Ann Romney, Do You Really Love Us Women?

You love us? Really? All of us?

Even the poor, the unmarried, the homosexual, the oversexed, and the overworked? Do you love the women who get their birth control at Planned Parenthood?

Or the women who are seeing to it that women can have a safe abortion if they’ve been raped, “legitimately” or not? By the way, Ann, even though it is now a moot point, since your party’s platform is ‘NO ABORTIONS EVEN IN THE CASE OF RAPE OR INCEST’, and you have to go along with what Big Brother, I mean, the party says, I’m curious to know, in your eyes, what is a legitimate rape? Does the assailant have a knife? A gun? A fist? Is he a color? An uncle? A lawmaker? Just curious.

Do you still love me Ann?

Even though I want to make sure that ALL women have safe access to abortions and OB/GYN visits without invasive ultrasounds? The only trans-vaginal wand that is going inside of me is the one that got me pregnant in the first place. I mean a penis, Ann, in case you didn’t catch that.

Speaking of, Ann, Do you love the women that have sex out of wedlock? I have had a lot of that sex, probably more than your female constituents. Of course, I have my standards. I personally try to stay away from any guy involved in a con (Neo-con, Def-con, Comic-con). You tend to get con-ned out of a good time. Ann, do you love women who like to take control of their sexuality? Ones that like to have a good time in bed? Because I imagine a lot of the women in your party shut their eyes and pray for the deed to be over, thinking of it as God’s duty. I too, mention God a lot when I have sex, but in an entirely different context.

Where’s the love, Ann, are we still good?

Ann, what about all the not “real” marriages you hinted at? Do you love those women too? For instance, my friend Jamie – she is married to a great woman and they have a wonderful marriage. I dare say they spend more time together than you and Mitt do.

What is a ‘real’ marriage? Is it two God fearing Christians? Stitch me a sampler, cause I need to see what you’re getting at exactly. I was under the impression that America was built of differences and that we embraced those differences. That the American dream was that you could make your own reality. But if there is a REAL marriage, then please show us because there are a lot of “Real Housewives” masquerading about and taking up some prime time Bravo TV space who need to be 86ed.

Still love me?

Ann, do you love Michelle Obama? She seemed to mop the floor with you. While you play-acted at struggling through out life, she connected with the idea. While you came off like a crazed game show hostess, bestowing gym equipment upon a paraplegic, Michelle seemed like she understood the sobering realities that America faces. I think she loves us anyway. While you talk about loving women, You, Your husband, and Your Party legislate against us.

I don’t think you love us after all. Not one bit.

Get Up, Stand Up, Stand Up For The Stripes

We stand to sing our national anthem because it is THE LAW (Ed: it is not a law). Standing for our anthem is tradition and it is to honor our flag and our country. We put our hand over our heart and it is a contract, just like putting our hand on a stack of Bibles that you will kill for your country (Ed: This is not legally binding or true). Like for instancestance, at this baseball game, we open the game with our anthem. If we play another country, sometimes we will let them play theirs, but we don’t really like it.

We are proud of our country because we live here. Because we made this country what it was, I mean is. Well, we didn’t make it. Our forefathers did. We do very little. We are sitting on our ass now watching grown men trying to hit a ball with a stick. Our forefathers would be appalled. They would hate us. If we were critical thinkers we would admit to ourselves that we would hate them. They had slaves and probably beat their wives. But we are PROUD of them because they made America and there is NOTHING WRONG WITH AMERICA SO DON’T SASS ME. Our troops fight so you can read this right now! You lazy piece of generation nothing!

But this isn’t about your generation, you egomanwhatever. This is about tradition.

We stand during the seventh inning because it is tradition. It is called the seventh inning stretch! It’s a chance to stretch your legs and walk forty feet to get in line and then spend your week’s wages on enough pork guts to shove into your belly that you get the meat sweats. If that doesn’t land you in the toilets, then…

Then we sing a fun song called “Take Me Out To The Ball Game.” Why? Quit questioning authority and do it! All right I will tell you. It’s because it’s tradition and it honors our flag and our country and God wants us to honor peanuts and cracker jacks, as it says to in our Constitution. “Life, liberty and the pursuit of crackerjacks” (Ed: That isn’t in the Constitution).

There may be a separation of church and state, but there is no separation of ballpark and state. Thank GOD! Which is why we now sing “God Bless America” during the seventh inning too. You HAVE to stand for that. Well, you don’t have to. However, my more American than anyone in this country Hispanic friend sitting behind us will tell you, “You’re not from America if you don’t stand for our national anthem” (Ed: “God Bless America” isn’t our national anthem).

Why do we sing it? Because it’s tradition! All the way since 9/11 when George Bush and his cabinet decided who was American and who was not (Ed: they tried to). Then our ballparks decided we needed more tradition to prove this. And we all decided that the more tradition there was, the more we could make others feel bad if they weren’t being American enough. So everyone stands so they don’t get yelled at. So we sing it to remind ourselves of our amber waves of Monsanto genetically modified grain and our radioactive and oil slicked seas that are white with foam. You know, like a rabid dog. Did I mention that it’s a song about God? It has God in the title! So. Yeah, you gotta believe in God too, or you’re not a good American. But that goes without saying!

As a spectator, this is clearly not enough standing. Sure, there’s the wave, but that only comes around every 78 seconds or so, depending on the drunk reggaetron loving jackass, who keeps trying to start it.

No, there are so many more songs that are stand-upable that could be entered into our ballgame viewing pleasure. Why not have a third inning rendition of “American Pie”? It would be a good time for the ballpark to sell some good ole apple pie. Or how about “American Girl” or “American Woman”! It could be well timed with the hooters girls who shoot the t-shirt cannons during the 8th inning! And what about songs about freedom? Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. So how about some “Bobby McGee” during pitching changes? Or “Free Bird”? We could flip the bird to the other team when they come out onto the field! Heck I don’t care, what song gets you up out of your seat. I just want Tradition and Reverence, Singing and Standing.

Oh, but if you’re rooting for the out of town team, Do NOT stand so close to me. Wish there was a song for that.

 

 

 

Follow Ali MacLean on Twitter: www.twitter.com/aliontheair

I Love Black People

I am not a racist. I have black people in my family. My aunt is married to a black man and he was invited to my sister’s wedding. Yes, I know that I am not my sister, but I would totally invite him to my wedding.

A lot of times black people just assume that I am racist. One reason is the way I look. I am pale white with blue eyes and flaxen blonde hair. I’m a Nellie Olsen looking motherfucker. If it were Prairie times, I have slave-owner written all over me. The second reason is I’m from Boston, apparently the racist capital of America. Forget the Bible belt, if you mention you’re from Boston and have a last name starting with a Celtic prefix, you might as well be wearing a hood. I try to tell people I come from the Kennedy part of Boston, not the Marky Mark part of Boston, but that just seems to make things worse.

I have black friends. I have a black director and black co-stars. I have even dined with the esteemed Baratunde Thurston, author of How To Be Black. We sat at the W Hotel’s Spike Lee table! I realize I’m name-dropping black people names and maybe that’s just desperate ways to get you to think that I’m not racist. Here are some more: My favorite indie actor is Don Cheadle. My favorite baseball player is David ‘Big Papi ‘ Ortiz. My favorite basketball player is Paul Pierce. My favorite football player was Asante Samuel until he defected to the Eagles. My favorite teacher could have been black if my University had hired any. That one’s not on me.

I don’t know how much more I can make it clear to you that I’m not racist. I like black people as much as I could like ANY human being. I mean I’m not much of a people person in general. As far as people go, some of the black ones I’ve met have been pretty great. I feel like maybe all this groveling is maybe sounding a bit racist but whatever I can do to convince you. You see, the other night I flinched.

I was booked on a performance with four other amazing performers at Comedy Central. Another performer that night was a wonderful and hilarious gentleman, an African American who did a piece on how white women are crazy, especially the ones he dated, and sometimes a little racist.

I, personally, had a bitchy tidal wave of a week filled with a disappointing dickbag, a hit-and-run car smash up, and pet cancer. I had to pull deep inside my good ole Scot stoicism that solders a steely shield and holds in the tears that come out every 200 years, like Brigadoon. That rock hard badassery got me through the show and helped me kick some ass.

In the swirl of the after party, I finally had a second to reflect on my horrible week and I got lost in my head for a moment. I felt a tap on my shoulder and I hunched my shoulders a bit. I turned around and saw it was the black guy from my show. Oh no! Not the black guy. Anybody but the black guy! He’s gonna think I’m racist and that I flinched because he is black. Sure enough…

“Oh sorry, I didn’t mean to touch you…”

I could have told him I didn’t know that it was him. Or that he had startled me. Or that my week had been like a piñata stuffed with human waste that had burst everywhere. I could have told him that.

But instead I made it worse:

“I have a bad shoulder.”

“You have a bad shoulder? Oh, it’s like THAT. That’s a new one. I’ve got to write that one down.”

“No really! I fell hiking!”

The fact was I did have a bad shoulder. I am a clumsy fool. But I’m no racist.

I asked him if I could give him a hug. He begrudgingly agreed. I took a running start and gave him a massive bear hug. It lasted so long that most people around us began to get uncomfortable. I think I would have given him a blowjob if it would sort out race relations. Hell, I think I would have given white guilt head to anyone in Affirmative Action at that moment just to smooth things out. For someone who doesn’t like most people, I sure do want everyone to get along.

You know what this means. I’m definitely going to have to vote for Obama again. That should prove to you that I’m not racist. I do love having a black president. I just really wish he wasn’t a Muslim.

Are You Cat Mom Enough?

The times, they are a changing. The traditional family is no longer so traditional. Marriage is being fought over on an international level, and yet it seems fewer and fewer people want to enter into that contract.

Many women find that while having a healthy career, they don’t have time for a baby or don’t want a baby. Or perhaps their dating pool is genetically inferior. Or missing altogether. But women can always make room in their hearts for a cat baby!

 

Kittens are so cute! Who doesn’t like a kitten? If YouTube and the Internet is any proof, the WHOLE DAMN WORLD loves kittens. So why all the hate when kittens become cats…and they happen to live with women? There is a disturbing misogyny out there that permeates our society: why is a woman that has a cat baby weird, undesirable, or unfit to be wed? That woman you hate on is just a single mom!

Somehow being overly attached to a human baby you have is fine. Even a dog fetish seems acceptable. Nine out of ten times if someone is pushing a baby carriage through the streets of Los Angeles, you can bet there is a dog in it. In today’s society you can bring your baby or your dog to parties, games, movies, malls, even to restaurants. It’s called attachment parenting. However, if you brought your cat? You’re the eccentric, weird cat lady with issues. Society should think long and hard about the idea of bringing your baby everywhere. Mommy and me yoga classes? How unrelaxing.

Attachment parenting for a newborn kitten is an exception and should be practiced. I’m a proud cat mom. True, my kitten did not come from my loins, but that doesn’t make her any less loved. Adopted babies belong in a family just as much as birthed babies. And I won’t have anyone slight her for it.

I raised a colicky kitten. She cried and cried. I let her feed as much as she wanted, whenever she wanted. She shared my bed and still does. I try to teach her to use her own bed, but she just loves to sneak in with me and she’s just so sweet and cute. I can’t say no to her. It’s hard to say no to your baby!

People may talk about me or tell me I’m not doing my cat any favors. They say I’m raising her to be a monster. They say ‘what you permit you promote’. Well they aren’t raising her. It’s not their cat baby, so they can butt out!

My boyfriend does get annoyed sometimes, but he just has to deal with cat baby and me. She has been around longer, after all. And what happens if he doesn’t want to deal with it? Well, there are more men where he came from. And what if those men don’t want to deal with my baby, either? Well, I’ve been raising my life partner from the cradle. The cat’s cradle, if you will. So I’m covered any way you look at it.

Photo credit: Michael Rababy

Say Yes To My Dress

Hi, Babe!

Don’t hang up! Look I know we’re in a big fight right now and you need time to cool off, but I wanted to run something by you.

So I went and did a little shopping today. Yes, I know I don’t need to be out spending money I don’t have. Ugh, can we not start this whole thing again? Listen! I was out with Kristen and Sarah and we had brunch and some mimosas and then we switched to something a little harder, which you can’t really blame me for since I’ve had a hard week. You know why. You haven’t made it any easier, you know. Ok, I’m counting to ten. I wasn’t even going to bring that up. I didn’t call to fight. I called for a really, really, really good reason. Okay. So, I know we are in a fight but hear me out. I found a really amazing dress!

This dress isn’t just a regular dress. It’s…super fancy. It fits so amazingly. Like it was made for me and it’s haute couture. Which kind of means it is made for you. But anyways, it’s a Vivienne Westwood. Yeah, the ‘crazy looking lady’ on the book on my coffee table. Not true! Her dresses aren’t <em>weird</em>, they’re…avant-garde. That’s what haute couture IS. I’m not going to argue with you about what fashion is, okay? You duct tape your jacket together. Her dresses are very fancy and very special and very hard to come by. You can’t just pop into Target or the mall and pick up a Westwood. But I found one. And it FIT! It fit like a dream. Aaaand it was marked down. Like CRAZY marked down.

I know I haven’t paid my car insurance, but Kristen was driving today and she totally said she can drive me around if I need to go anywhere for the next few weeks. Plus, I have my emergency earthquake kit stocked with cans of tuna and crackers and stuff. What? Yeah, I bought the dress. Hmm? How does what relate to you? Weeeelll. It’s sort of a white dress. It’s a couture, white, Westwood, damask silk, floor-length gown. Yes, it sounds like it’s a wedding dress. I suppose it IS a wedding dress.

Hear me out. I know we aren’t engaged. We aren’t even speaking. But the dress is perfect and makes me look super skinny! I look eight times more gorgeous in it, if that is even possible. And it’s so classic and timeless. It could be any era or any location. You want a beach wedding? Perfect. Black-tie at the Plaza? Done. Great Gatsby style on a rolling lawn? The bees knees! We can plan any décor around this perfect, perfect dress and I will look gorgeous. So you see why I couldn’t pass it up.

Plus I saved us a TON of money. Some wedding dresses cost like, five grand. And I got this one for practically nothing. Sure, I wasn’t expecting to spend the money right now, but the opportunity came up and I couldn’t pass up such a great deal. Isn’t it a good example of how economical I am? I can help manage our money. I mean, your money. I spent all of mine on the dress. But it was sooo worth it. When you see it on me when we finally make up, you will totally agree.

Don’t hang up! Look, I could care less right now if you want to marry me and be with me forever. But you have to marry this dress. It’s fucking gorgeous. Also, I look gorgeous in it and I deserve to be seen in it! Everyone will be so jealous. My friends will be jealous I have such a pretty dress and your friends will be jealous that you have such a pretty wife – and really, isn’t that what weddings are all about? I won’t take no for an answer. It would be a crime against fashion. You would be murdering the existence of my beautiful pale skin brushing up against the soft silky geniused work of the nimble fingers of Ms. Westwood. I don’t think you want that blood on your hands. Do you? So say yes to the dress.

Hello?

Not Letting My Boyfriend Get In The Way Of Having The Perfect Valentines Day Date

I spoke with Psychic to the Stars, Psychic Girl, aka Jusstine Kenzer about who would make the perfect date for me on Valentines Day. 

ALI: I don’t have a date for Valentines Day. I have a boyfriend. Yet, I’m still dateless on Valentines Day.

JUSSTINE: You have a boyfriend.

A: Yeah. He is out of town, so I’m dateless. But I’m not going to let that get in my way. I want you to help me find the perfect Valentines Day date. You said you might be able to help me out and predict who could be a good match for me out of the men that I find…dreamy. That’s the technical term, right? Dreamy? So I chose men I think would be delighted to go out with me. But also men that I would say yes to. Maybe we can see who you get a hit on? That’s the lingo, right?

J: Yes, let’s see who I get a hit on for you.

A: Well, there’s Jude Law, whom I just adore, no matter what horrible things he does in his personal life. I think he is handsome and talented. There’s Jon Stewart. He’s a genius. There’s Daniel Craig. He’s Bond! C’mon.

J: He’s a little taken.

A: So is Jon Stewart. I am too, supposedly. Doesn’t mean I can’t go out for a nice Valentine’s dinner, right?

J: …Okay.

A: Okay? Let’s see. Hmm. Oh, Ryan Gosling. I think he’s also taken. Doesn’t mean he can’t take me out for Valentine’s Day. Oh and then there’s my first love. Han Solo.

J: Right. How about a real person?

A: He’s real. He has his own action figure. He saved the galaxy…

J: Okaaay. I’ve looked at lots of people who are delusional about things.

A: Are you talking about me? Or Han Solo? He awakened my sexuality at the age of six.

J: Let’s just say Harrison Ford.

A: You can call it Harrison Ford, but I’ll be thinking Han Solo.

J: Why don’t you start to ask me specific questions?

A: Let’s start with Jude Law. If I were with him, would he sleep with the nanny?

J: No.

A: Really. He’d be faithful to me?

J: I didn’t say that. I said he wouldn’t sleep with the nanny.

A: Damn. That’s cold. Ok, rephrasing. Would he be faithful?

J: I get yes.

A: Wow. So I could cure him of all his infidelities? Amazing. Would his hair grow back?

J: No.

A: Is he worth all the trouble he causes?

J: I get no.

A: So I would tire of him?

J: He’d get bored if things would be balanced.

A: Is he a drama queen?

J: Not a drama queen but he has issues with his mother.

A: Uuuuuugh. No. I can’t, nope. Next. I can’t. I CANNOT. No. No. No. Let’s talk about Jon Stewart. Is he funny off camera too? Or is he a crying on the inside clown?

J: He is funny off camera.

A: I figured. Is he married to his work?

J: No.

A: No? He can leave it at the office?

J: Looks like he is balanced. He used to not always be that way but it’s reached a point where he has found that balance.

A: So, he’s not married to his work but is he married to his wife?

J: Yes. He’s faithful and a good guy.

A: Aww, that’s why I love him. He’s a really good guy. But he’d still take me out for a dinner Valentines Day night. Right?

J: No.

A: No? Now I love him even more.

J: No, but he’d be very flattered and he would buy you a rose.

A: I am so in love right now. (whispering) Jon Stewart, I love you! I can tell he loves me too. Sigh. We will just have to work together someday.

J: I get yes on that.

A: Really? Oh my god. Now I’m in love with YOU too.

J: It will all work out.

A: OK, who is next? Oh yes, James Bond! Daniel Craig. Does he get really fat in between the Bond movies?

J: I get no. He is muscley. His constitution is pretty solid.

A: Is he emotionally muscley?

J: I get no.

A: So he is a softy? Does he cry a lot?

J: I get that he is romantic.

A: Does he make his date go dutch or does he pay?

J: No he always pays.

A: Good to know.

J: It seems like he is a good guy.

A: They can’t all be good guys.

J: The ones you are asking about are.

A: Wow. If I have such good radar then how did I end up dating all the asshole losers I’ve dated? Before my boyfriend, I mean. Honey, if you’re reading this, I love you. Just because I’m plotting a date with a big movie star doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Maybe I should have been dating big stars?

J: You’re asking about fantasy men who are your perfect type. In reality you don’t pick that type.

A: Pfft. “Fantasy”. Anyways. Ryan Gosling. Is he damaged from all those years in the Mickey Mouse Club with Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears?

J: No. It seems like a lifetime ago for him.

A: Is he hard to live with. I mean its just dinner, but just in case.

J: No, he’s a nice guy.

A: Again? Why am I picking all the famous nice guys?

J: Sometimes when we can’t have what we want, we pick things that fill the void that perpetuate that myth.

A: So I told my subconscious that since I can’t date James Bond I might as well date a second rate asshole musician?

J: Uhhh, maybe. Some people make that mistake. Or you can listen to my Heal Your Relationship download and change your subconscious beliefs and heal yourself. Find something fulfilling.

A: Define fulfilling. Oh, you mean like Daniel Craig. OK. Moving on. Han Solo.

J: OK. How am I going to do this? I guess we can look at him as that character. How should we approach this?

A: I dunno. You’re the psychic. Will Han let saving the galaxy get in the way of our relationship?

J: No.

A: Will he let his relationship with Chewbacca get in the way of our relationship?

J: For that I get yes.

A: FUCK! He’d let a Wookie get in the way. Believe me. I understand the love of a cat or a dog or a best friend. And I love Wookies. But how are you supposed to settle down with somebody if there’s a Wookie in your way?

J: For him, that relationship comes first.

A: Damn. I mean where is he even going to take me for Valentine’s Day? The motherfucking Cantina? With those freaks? Don’t I deserve somewhere special? Or clean at least? I’ve been to some dirty ass places before. Backstage of any place on the Sunset Strip is about as dirty as the Cantina. But it’s Valentine’s Day! I want somewhere I can wear an open toed shoe.

J: Maybe this is a relationship that could happen on EBay? I seeing a lot of merchandisers and collectors connected to the name Han Solo who hang out there.

A: I don’t see this one going anywhere. It’s not as promising as some of the other famous men. It’s so hard to find a nice guy in this day and millennium.

You can find out more about Jusstine at www.psychicgirl.com

La La Love The Pixies: The US Doolittle Tour Ends In San Diego

Reposted from Antiquiet

The last time I saw The Pixies‘ Doolittle tour, I was too young. As in: too young to get into the venue. My teen guy friends, Dan, Mike, and I snuck out of our houses and drove an hour south of Boston to sneak into a dive in Rhode Island called The Living Room. Whatever the consequences were going to be, it was worth it to see our very favorite band, one that most idiots in our school seemed to forgo for Guns N’ Roses and Vanilla Ice.

Sorry, but I didn’t want to collaborate and listen. I wanted to scream, stomp and gouge away to the man named Black’s surfy guitar riffs and Kim’s thudding bass lines. I wanted to slice up eyeballs and get rocked by Joe. Back then, when every one else wanted to bust a move, David’s La La Love You was my answering machine message and I could give a fuck about November Rain.

Our renegade trip to Rhode Island landed us right in the middle of the Pixies mosh pit action and we joyfully came out with a twisted ankle, a broken arm and a black eye, which we wore for weeks to come like underage badges of courage. After the show, Frank Black saw the shredded state I was in and bought me a coke. I got to have a soda with Black Francis. Can you say: BEST SHOW EVER?

It’s now twenty years later and everybody is all growed up, or at least we should be. Dan, who is now an anchor for ABC World News, faces many dangers on assignment in the Middle East, but I still think his most heroic moment was diving face first into that mosh pit. I should have moved on from music by now, but it’s part of my life. Now I talk to Frank/Charles via Twitter and Facebook, and I see him in Los Angeles quite often. The wide eyed teen getting her ass kicked in that mosh pit would want to be me, like, so much.

At San Diego’s Rimac Arena on Sunday (Sept. 26), the last stop of the U.S. Doolittle tour, I was hooked again from the very first plunk of Deal’s bass line.  I was overwhelmed by how much I love this album, this particular piece of music.  Is it possible for a piece of music to mean so much to one in their life? Time has marched on, but my love for Doolittle has not wavered one bit. Luckily, they played each song on the album, one by one.

As the twangy discordant strum of Here Comes Your Man began, a black and white film of the band started rolling, with the fabulous foursome in separate boxes, like a Pixies version of Help! It occurred to me, The Pixies could very well be my Beatles. My generation’s Beatles. Okay, they may not be as well known to the masses. They aren’t sold at Starbucks. They don’t have action figures and lunch boxes. They haven’t been knighted…yet. However, the Pixies are certainly as revered and respected, copied and influential to what has come next. Without the Pixies there would be no Nirvana. And without Nirvana, well most everyone I know would probably be out of a job. Just imagine, Ray Bradbury style, the imprint they’ve left on rock, grunge and indie rock. Now try to picture a world where they were never here at all.

Frank and the gang slid from track to track easily like they were hanging out with old friends. Kim teased the crowd, testing them, by shouting out at one point:

“This is Side Two, towards the end…where people get buried a little bit.”

She didn’t need to worry. The older crowd knew every word, as did the young punks wearing spirit hoodies and freshly bought Pixies tees. Everyone en masse insisted on two encores and they were treated to songs from Come On Pilgrim and Surfer Rosa. Standouts were Vamos and Gigantic and a hazy version of Into The White when a seemingly malfunctioning smoke machine made the arena visibility white out conditions.

The huge crowd sighed along with Kim’s ‘ahhhooooo’ as the band rounded out Where Is My Mind. The room lit up with stars and cell phone camera flashes and the backdrop played a video of warp speed galaxies, like some Lucas film – another great staple of our generation. Sure, there may have been improvements to the technology, equipment and special effects since then. But not the movies themselves. Same thing could be said for the music.

Long live the Pixies.

I Believe That Eddie Izzard Is Our Future

Biopics are normally saved for the icons that are old and wrinkled octogenarians reflecting back on their life of accomplishments. But what if through sheer grit, determination, talent and an unyielding belief in yourself, you’ve managed to cram all that life and success into half a lifetime?

Sarah Townsend began working with Eddie Izzard back at the Edinburgh Fringe Festivals in the 80s when he could barely get a time slot, if a laugh. Her career as a budding theater director and filmmaker followed a similar trajectory as the two learned by trying and failing and trying again. Sarah began filming Eddie’s journey and what culminated over the past ten plus years is the documentary Believe. The film is an Emmy nominated, uplifting look of how a transvestite street performer can become one of the most iconic and lauded performers of his time.

© 2010 Halyon Films

ALI MACLEAN: Let’s talk about your early days at the Edinburgh Festivals — starting with the Salieri/Mozart rivalry you had with those evil Fry & Laurie characters who thwarted you.

EDDIE IZZARD: They weren’t evil, they were just better. I think I’ve gotten better since then. Stephen Fry, Hugh Laurie and Emma Thompson were in the Cambridge Footlights where Monty Python had come out of. I was trying to get into Cambridge, just to get into the Footlights. So these were the guys who succeeded in getting into Cambridge, and being in the Footlights. And they were better, so it was two kicks in the head, really.

A: Was it hard for you to believe back then? Did it take time for you to build your confidence?

E: I decided at seven to become an actor and at sixteen I made a private pact in my own head that I was going to do this and I wasn’t backing out of it. At the same time I was going to career advisors with my Dad and Step-mom and saying I might be an architect, but I just was coming up with things. I knew I wasn’t going to do those things. I wanted to do this. It just seemed a million miles off.

A: Your one hundred percent belief in yourself has worked out for you. I, for one, am glad that you didn’t give up, but are there any people out there that you wish had given up on their dream?

E: I don’t know if I should start that list. If you think about determination, if people have a heart and are determined, they can get to that place. But there are a lot of negative people who were enormously determined. All the Nazis were determined. They wanted to murder everyone. Everyone with a bad heart, who doesn’t care about people, I wish they hadn’t started. People with a bad heart can all fuck off.

A: What do you think about mass marketed guru stuff about believing like ‘The Secret’ and best selling books that teach people how to manifest their dreams? You know, all the books on tape and workshops and week long retreats.

E: I have done my own version of that for myself. I do realize that the word ‘believe’ is part of the word ‘faith’. And I don’t believe in God. So I’m a non-believer in the non-visible. I’m a believer in us; in humans. I think people either see the glass half full or half empty and suffer from depression or are prone to depression. I’m like my Dad and I don’t seem to have that. I’m consistently able to regroup fairly quickly. It’s much harder if you suffer from depression. You know, comedy improv has a lot of positive thinking in it. It’s all about ‘Yes, and…” If someone says “I am the King of Prussia.” You have to say “Yes, and I have your new shoes.” It’s a glass half full method. So positive thinking is great, as long as you’ve got a positive message. If you’re a positive thinker and you’re a dickhead, well, these are the complicated things of human existence.

A: Sarah really showed in the film how controlled and structured you are with putting together a show. A lot of comedians and actors spend their lives complaining on TMZ or their act is completely neurotic, like a Rorschach test. Do you attribute your success to your military background and that discipline?

E: It definitely helps. I kept pulling back and regrouping. You get knocked down and you get up and go back into the fray. Though, I don’t feel that disciplined because I’m incredibly lazy. I’m like a large ship. Once you get the ship going you can’t stop it. But once you stop it you can’t get it going again. I tend to like to watch black and white movies on Turner Classic or AMC. Apart from talking to you today I’m not doing anything and I like that.

A: I have a feeling our ideas of lazy are different. I think I could challenge you to a sloth-off and I could probably win.

E: Oh, I don’t know. Get me going…but I do start hating myself. People are offering me things now. So I’m trying to catch up on the years when I had nothing going. As you know the media is full of people taking off at seventeen. At sixteen years old they come in at number one.

A: Yeah, but they go to rehab when they’re twenty-three.

E: Yes. If I had to do it all again I’d do it the same way, but at the time, you want it to happen immediately. Learning that you have stamina is an excellent thing to know. If a project fails, I know I can pick myself up. Just like Clint Eastwood in a Fistful Of Dollars.

A: You’ve talked about future plans for politics and that your model would be more Franken than Schwarzenegger. I’m wondering if you think if Schwarzenegger would be a better politician if he were funny? Or maybe not a Terminator?

E: I’m more linked to Al Franken because of the comedy and because he’s a democrat. There’s no particular advice I can give Schwarzenegger…I’m pleased Prop 8 was overturned in California.

A: Do you think there is something about comedy and Al Franken’s satirical mind that lends itself to critical thinking and political policy?

E: Comedy is good at tearing down. If the right wing government is in power, comedy is good at tearing away at that. If the left wing government is in power, they will tear away at that too. So, I think comedy may be a hindrance in a way. I don’t subscribe to the theory that all politicians are crap. I think the ‘cool people’ often take that position.

A: So, are you prepared, when you take office in 2020, for Larry the Cable Guy to make fun of you for giving people clean drinking water?

E: Oh yeah, it’s gonna happen. If you’re a performer, people tend to be quite positive about you or they have no opinion. If you go into politics, it will be polarized. I’m ready for people to take swings at me. But then again I am a transvestite, so how much harder can it be to deal with political pressure?

A: You’ve talked in your shows and on The Riches about The American Dream. And you’ve mentioned the European Dream. Do you think you’ve achieved either?

E: I’ve started saying that I’m living the European Dream. Now I want Europeans to have the dream too.

A: Congrats on the Emmy nomination for Believe.

E: Well, I’m not nominated, Sarah is. She made my life worthy of being nominated. But hopefully there’s some lesbian girl in Pakistan or some transgender kid in Chile that sees the documentary and says, ‘Shit, I can do that!”

A: Or maybe some kid who’s trying to put together a tight ten-minute set to go up at The Comedy Store.

E: As long as they have something interesting to say and a good heart.

A: Yeah, we’re not trying to encourage any more Hitlers.

E: No. They can fuck off.

***

As Eddie said, Sarah Townsend made his life worthy of being Emmy nominated. How does one follow a man that runs 43 marathons in 51 days, performs his shows to sold out crowds at Wembley Stadium, and films blockbuster like Oceans 12. How do you capture a hummingbird on film?

ALI MACLEAN: This is your first feature length film and you are nominated for an Emmy. You run the risk of being called an overnight success — even though the film took, what, seven years to make?

SARAH TOWNSEND: Well over seven years. It’s one of those magical overnight successes that wasn’t really overnight. That’s really the storyline of the film. People really do work for ages. We wanted to make something that reflected what Eddie has put into his career because he gets the same comment. And of course it wasn’t. It was years and years before he finally got attention.

A: Eddie seems like a private person and the film shows that he is in control of things, certainly his emotions. Did you feels, as a filmmaker that it was hard to get behind that? Were you surprised that he wanted to do a documentary and let you behind the scenes?

S: I don’t think he thought that’s what we would be doing. I thought “Oh, because I know him, this will be so much easier.’ Far from it. I don’t think it was easy for anyone. It took four years to get an interview that was genuinely in the moment that was absolutely honest. He has like a sixth sense of when that little red light on the camera was on. It was unbelievable. If something interesting was going on and we started shooting he would instantly change his demeanor. Just at the point where we thought, “What are we doing? This is a special, but not a full movie”, then it happened. We got that scene with him. I think it was a real moment for him – he really shocked himself.

A: With his military background and the marathon running, he is so disciplined.

S: With the military stuff I was trying to show that he is a very early 20th century character. They don’t really make them like that anymore. Very stiff upper lip, “Carry on chaps”. You don’t encounter that much. He doesn’t complain. He doesn’t say: “That’s not fair.” He’ll just say: “Right, I’ll do some extra work, then.” In Britain we have a very powerful tabloid culture with celebrities on the front page crying with their make-up smeared and tears, and it’s kind of what you’d expect from someone who likes to dress up that way. It’s a very contradictory bunch of things going on with him, and that’s what makes him so fascinating.

A: Would you ever consider doing a documentary about Eddie’s future political run?

S: No. At this point it will be a while before I do another documentary. Doing it was an enormous film school experience and I don’t regret it for a moment. It was very humbling and exhausting and an incredible experience. I’m grateful for every moment of it now.

A: The theme of the film is believing in yourself. Eddie talks in his shows about believing in the American Dream and the European Dream. Do you believe in those?

S: In the UK a lot of people don’t like to try. There’s a different cultural thing. Here if you try and fail, you get up again and start again and keep going. People respect you for it. Even if you keep failing, they respect the tenacity.

A: We are a country of failures.

S: I love the fact that trying is respected. The American Dream: if you try, if you build it, they will come. I love that. It’s honorable. That’s part of what got this film finished in the end. It’s not really how it is in the UK.

A: It’s funny that you bring up ‘If you build it they will come’ the Kevin Costner movie quote, because he just built that oil spill machine and sold it for millions.

S: What? Not the Hadron Collider? In Geneva?

A: No, Kevin Costner, the actor, invented some centrifuge type device that supposedly separates oil from water and he sold it to the US government to help clean up the oil spill.

S:…You’re kidding.

A: No. He went before Congress. I guess anything is possible. I mean after The Postman and Waterworld, he staged this comeback. It’s The American Dream.

S: That’s the maverick spirit.

Believe has been nominated for an Emmy for Outstanding Non Fiction Special at the 62nd Primetime Emmy Awards 2010. It is available on DVD.

Eddie Izzard is currently performing on Broadway in David Mamet’s Race through August 21.

Guitar Town Is My Kinda Town

The Sunset Strip is pretty much already known as Rocknrollville. It’s infamous for hosting the rise and fall of many great musical careers, not to mention the debauchery. Oh the debauchery. However, with the Strip’s reboot and gentrification…it’s come back, if you will, the entire scene has come alive again. Why not name it Guitar Town?

photo by Christopher Victorio

In conjunction with Nic Adler’s whirlwind social media campaign and the Sunset Strip Music Festival 2010, Gibson has commissioned a pubic art project that features 26 ten-foot tall fiberglass Gibson Les Paul model guitar sculptures created by local and nationally acclaimed visual artists. Each piece celebrates a musician, personality, or influential moment unique to The Sunset Strip’s history.

Brian Wilson guitar

Among the pieces are guitars celebrating 2010 Sunset Strip Music Festival Honoree Slash, The Doors, Mötley Crüe and Sunset Strip nightclub founders Lou Adler, Mario Maglieri and Elmer Valentine (The Roxy Theatre, Whisky A Go-Go and Rainbow Bar & Grill).

Cherie Currie photo by Christopher Victorio

The Gala opening last night included a ribbon cutting ceremony at the Comedy Store and classic car convoy up to The Roxy and The Rainbow where guests like Cherie Currie of the Runaways, Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys, Strip mayor Rodney Bingenheimer, and Strip Kingpin Lou Adler gathered to rock out at the Rainbow and celebrate a little Sunset strip history.

Gibson Guitar Town on The Sunset Strip will be on display for the next six months, after which they will then be sold at a Gala Auction with all proceeds benefitting nonprofit organizations and charities.

Street Drum Corps Walks The Walk at the US Open Of Surfing

Often when making their way from humble beginnings to the arena setting, a band will play some odd gigs. State fairs, weddings, bar mitzvahs, cemetery hipster shows and if they chance upon it, the corporate gig. Some may balk at it and call it selling out, but a band that plans on not living on some girl’s couch  a band planning on owning their own equipment – and publishing, knows that getting paid to play instead of the other way around, is the business of show.

So this is why I found myself heading down to ‘the HB, yo’ to see the lads in Street Drum Corps, where they were performing a set at the US Open Of Surfing. Having played the Bamboozle tour, The Alt Brothers and Frank Zummo are no strangers to drumming in the hot sun, but this was right on the beach, right on the water, in close proximity to surf, sand and sunscreen. How would all the leather and studs and war paints hold up in these conditions?

Huntington Beach is only an hour away, but we may as well have needed a passport. Every cliche for SoCal life was immediately present. Barefoot girls in trucker hats? Tattoos of Tilly’s on their ass? Check. Dudes in Ed Hardy? Check. Guy with no shirt wearing a python as a scarf? Check! Los Angeles is supposedly the Babylon that the religious right is so worried about, but if you take a peek behind the Orange curtain, I think there’s a lot more to be sweating right in their own back yard.

As we approached the incredible maze like phalanx set up for the Open, throngs of half naked co-eds with day glo body paint milled about walking from booth to booth looking at displays set up by Nike, G Shock, Skull Candy, Converse and other sponsors. Each PA system at each booth bumped their sound louder, raffling off prizes and announced stupid human trick contests until it was a muddy mix of loud noise where one could only make out a few “yo, dawg” s and “aiiight bra!”s mixed in.

Before heading to the stage to catch the boys play, we decided to take in a bit of surfing competition. I walked down to the beach and looked towards the pier, scanning the horizon. Nope, no surfing going on as far as the eye could see. Strange that. Perhaps a bit later. What was still going on, was a LOT of shilling by Hurley, and other companies with their latest products with the latest technologies to stay drier, be louder, go faster, get drunker. Mixed with booze and free bands, the corporations had the kids as a captive audience. You really have to hand it to them. Genius.

Next to the BMX pit, a stage surrounded by trucker hat wearing teens and twenty somethings, Street Drum Corps took the stage with a rousing rendition of their single ‘Knock Me Out’.

Bobby Alt, sporting a new Billy Idol look, got the crowd singing along, though I’m pretty sure not many of them knew the song, which is definitely a coup.

Bobby Alt knocks the crowd out

What followed next is one of the strangest things I’ve ever seen…Hurley’s ‘Walk The Walk’ is a high school fashion design competition described as  as “Friday Night Football” meets “The Runway”.  After three months of online video challenges, six high schools from across the nation  compete with a runway show with their own Hurley collection in front of Hurley executives and ‘celebrity’ judges like actors from 90210, Lauren Conrad (from The Hills) and Camila Alves (Mrs. McConaughey).    .

What it was really like was a cheerleading/drill team competition from Bring It On, meets MTV’s Pimp My Ride, meets Glee on Crystal Meth. Don’t get me wrong, the designs these kids came up with were great. Some of the routines and dance ideas would make Broadway choreographer throw in the towel. But the onslaught of sparkle and spandex and commerce was very Californication.

And of course it was set up as a competition, for a $25,000 prize that Hurley was donating to the school. Which is awesome of Hurley. Because Hurley is giving a lot of money to help kids who have promising design careers ahead of them. However if you think about the money Hurley is saving…

Companies spend millions of dollars on market research on the teen market. They do a lot of research on what young people want to buy. Especially what young people want to wear. Wouldn’t it be genius to hold a competition around the country and get that market to show you, nay MAKE you exactly what they want to wear? Call it a contest. Throw them .001% of what you would have spent to figure it out. You are local heroes in the community…everybody wins. Surfs up, dude.

Sorry, the cynic is back to the previous blog in progress…

The high schools competing built routines with movable ramps and hoops and ribbons, basket tosses and stunts.

winning high school Corona Del Mar

Some had multi cultural messages, others stuck with the theme, Born In the USA. But the level of professionalism, both in the clothing and in the performance was tops.

Even the hostess, Anna Lynn McCord of 90210 seemed embarrassed to follow some of these teens with her lame stilted patter.

Anna Lynn McCord host unextraordinaire

As the judges conferred on who would take the prize, another band took the stage, Cobra Starship. I know of the band, because I know they were formed after one song written for a movie was a hit. ‘Snakes On A Plane’. You see where I’m going with this? As they launched into their first song, the only thing I could verbally mouth was “How did this happen?” Seriously. With all the talented bands working their asses off all over this great nation, How. Did. This. Happen? I can be patient and graceful, but I’ve found that my patience wears thin when record companies insult me. It reminds me of that Quincy Jones quote: “When you chase music for money, God walks out of the room.” Well some of this music really points towards atheism.

We quickly made our exit, the Street Drum Corps lads drums long silenced, their corporate job done. As we scanned the beaches and the horizons again, not one single surfer was out on the water. Perhaps the surfers who had been paid to surf were done and they had all gone home too.

the only surf board near the water

At least Street Drum Corps really shined and got paid to do what they do well.

That’s one small triumph for the creative spirit, in the face of the corporate Goliath.