Not Letting My Boyfriend Get In The Way Of Having The Perfect Valentines Day Date

I spoke with Psychic to the Stars, Psychic Girl, aka Jusstine Kenzer about who would make the perfect date for me on Valentines Day. 

ALI: I don’t have a date for Valentines Day. I have a boyfriend. Yet, I’m still dateless on Valentines Day.

JUSSTINE: You have a boyfriend.

A: Yeah. He is out of town, so I’m dateless. But I’m not going to let that get in my way. I want you to help me find the perfect Valentines Day date. You said you might be able to help me out and predict who could be a good match for me out of the men that I find…dreamy. That’s the technical term, right? Dreamy? So I chose men I think would be delighted to go out with me. But also men that I would say yes to. Maybe we can see who you get a hit on? That’s the lingo, right?

J: Yes, let’s see who I get a hit on for you.

A: Well, there’s Jude Law, whom I just adore, no matter what horrible things he does in his personal life. I think he is handsome and talented. There’s Jon Stewart. He’s a genius. There’s Daniel Craig. He’s Bond! C’mon.

J: He’s a little taken.

A: So is Jon Stewart. I am too, supposedly. Doesn’t mean I can’t go out for a nice Valentine’s dinner, right?

J: …Okay.

A: Okay? Let’s see. Hmm. Oh, Ryan Gosling. I think he’s also taken. Doesn’t mean he can’t take me out for Valentine’s Day. Oh and then there’s my first love. Han Solo.

J: Right. How about a real person?

A: He’s real. He has his own action figure. He saved the galaxy…

J: Okaaay. I’ve looked at lots of people who are delusional about things.

A: Are you talking about me? Or Han Solo? He awakened my sexuality at the age of six.

J: Let’s just say Harrison Ford.

A: You can call it Harrison Ford, but I’ll be thinking Han Solo.

J: Why don’t you start to ask me specific questions?

A: Let’s start with Jude Law. If I were with him, would he sleep with the nanny?

J: No.

A: Really. He’d be faithful to me?

J: I didn’t say that. I said he wouldn’t sleep with the nanny.

A: Damn. That’s cold. Ok, rephrasing. Would he be faithful?

J: I get yes.

A: Wow. So I could cure him of all his infidelities? Amazing. Would his hair grow back?

J: No.

A: Is he worth all the trouble he causes?

J: I get no.

A: So I would tire of him?

J: He’d get bored if things would be balanced.

A: Is he a drama queen?

J: Not a drama queen but he has issues with his mother.

A: Uuuuuugh. No. I can’t, nope. Next. I can’t. I CANNOT. No. No. No. Let’s talk about Jon Stewart. Is he funny off camera too? Or is he a crying on the inside clown?

J: He is funny off camera.

A: I figured. Is he married to his work?

J: No.

A: No? He can leave it at the office?

J: Looks like he is balanced. He used to not always be that way but it’s reached a point where he has found that balance.

A: So, he’s not married to his work but is he married to his wife?

J: Yes. He’s faithful and a good guy.

A: Aww, that’s why I love him. He’s a really good guy. But he’d still take me out for a dinner Valentines Day night. Right?

J: No.

A: No? Now I love him even more.

J: No, but he’d be very flattered and he would buy you a rose.

A: I am so in love right now. (whispering) Jon Stewart, I love you! I can tell he loves me too. Sigh. We will just have to work together someday.

J: I get yes on that.

A: Really? Oh my god. Now I’m in love with YOU too.

J: It will all work out.

A: OK, who is next? Oh yes, James Bond! Daniel Craig. Does he get really fat in between the Bond movies?

J: I get no. He is muscley. His constitution is pretty solid.

A: Is he emotionally muscley?

J: I get no.

A: So he is a softy? Does he cry a lot?

J: I get that he is romantic.

A: Does he make his date go dutch or does he pay?

J: No he always pays.

A: Good to know.

J: It seems like he is a good guy.

A: They can’t all be good guys.

J: The ones you are asking about are.

A: Wow. If I have such good radar then how did I end up dating all the asshole losers I’ve dated? Before my boyfriend, I mean. Honey, if you’re reading this, I love you. Just because I’m plotting a date with a big movie star doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Maybe I should have been dating big stars?

J: You’re asking about fantasy men who are your perfect type. In reality you don’t pick that type.

A: Pfft. “Fantasy”. Anyways. Ryan Gosling. Is he damaged from all those years in the Mickey Mouse Club with Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears?

J: No. It seems like a lifetime ago for him.

A: Is he hard to live with. I mean its just dinner, but just in case.

J: No, he’s a nice guy.

A: Again? Why am I picking all the famous nice guys?

J: Sometimes when we can’t have what we want, we pick things that fill the void that perpetuate that myth.

A: So I told my subconscious that since I can’t date James Bond I might as well date a second rate asshole musician?

J: Uhhh, maybe. Some people make that mistake. Or you can listen to my Heal Your Relationship download and change your subconscious beliefs and heal yourself. Find something fulfilling.

A: Define fulfilling. Oh, you mean like Daniel Craig. OK. Moving on. Han Solo.

J: OK. How am I going to do this? I guess we can look at him as that character. How should we approach this?

A: I dunno. You’re the psychic. Will Han let saving the galaxy get in the way of our relationship?

J: No.

A: Will he let his relationship with Chewbacca get in the way of our relationship?

J: For that I get yes.

A: FUCK! He’d let a Wookie get in the way. Believe me. I understand the love of a cat or a dog or a best friend. And I love Wookies. But how are you supposed to settle down with somebody if there’s a Wookie in your way?

J: For him, that relationship comes first.

A: Damn. I mean where is he even going to take me for Valentine’s Day? The motherfucking Cantina? With those freaks? Don’t I deserve somewhere special? Or clean at least? I’ve been to some dirty ass places before. Backstage of any place on the Sunset Strip is about as dirty as the Cantina. But it’s Valentine’s Day! I want somewhere I can wear an open toed shoe.

J: Maybe this is a relationship that could happen on EBay? I seeing a lot of merchandisers and collectors connected to the name Han Solo who hang out there.

A: I don’t see this one going anywhere. It’s not as promising as some of the other famous men. It’s so hard to find a nice guy in this day and millennium.

You can find out more about Jusstine at www.psychicgirl.com

May The Farce Be With You – Darth Stewie and Family Guy Are Back In Space

Calling all Stewie and Lord Darth fans! There’s a tremor in the force and there’s a party to prove it.

Family Guy: Something, Something, Something, Darkside arrives  Blu-ray and DVD December 22. A follow-up to the 2008 Star Wars spoof “Blue Harvest,” this time around the Griffin clan packs light saber sharp wit as they parody the classic sequel The Empire Strikes Back.  Luke (Chris), Leia (Lois), Han Solo (Peter) and Chewbacca (Brian) have evaded the dreaded Imperial Starfleet led by the cunning, conniving and curiously short evil lord Darth Vader (Stewie), setting up a new secret base on the remote ice world of Hoth.  With the rebellion in trouble, young Skywalker must take the advice of his late, and rather lascivious, mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert) and learn the ways of the “farce” under Jedi Master Yoda (Carl) to save the galaxy once and for all.

In honor of all things Stewie and of course, the many wars that Lucas brought us, a special press event will be happening in a galaxy far far far away called Miami. Taking place at the Art Basel Festival, the event will feature a 45 foot Darth Stewie parade balloon, stormtroopers, light sabers, drink specials and giveaways. Super special guest DJ Daniel from Ladytron on the ones and twos. He doesn’t disappoint sonically and, ladies, he is very easy on the eyes, so I’d get down there if you are South Beach adjacent.

The best part about it is, if you live near this Floridian cantina, you can go for free! Yes, you can walk up to the door man, wave your hand in front of his face and use your Jedi mind tricks on him and tell him to let you in for free. He’ll think it’s hilarious because you’ll definitely be the first to do that all night. But if you rsvp’d, he will have to let you in anyways.

Here are the party details.

Wednesday December 2, 2009

The Vagabond
30 NE 14th Street
Downtown Miami

And since ’tis the season of giving, and I’m feeling a bit charitable, I’m going to give away a DVD prize packages (including DVD and mini-poster). To win, follow me on twitter at @aliontheair and tweet me your favorite scene from Family Guy. The one that makes me laugh the hardest wins. That’s it! I mean, it sure beats waiting in line in some Black Friday scam. Voila. Instant Xmas present. Though, if I were you, I’d keep it for myself.

Smooth Sailin’ – Yacht Rock Putting The Hard On In Chardonnay

When I was little, I used to pour over my Dad’s records, which were mostly divided into two camps: Beatles and Rolling Stones. I loved the colorful Beatles record jackets, especially Magical Mystery Tour and Sgt. Peppers. The Stones records intrigued me; I knew the zipper on Sticky Fingers records was something I wasn’t supposed to touch, but I wasn’t sure why. Between Bowie, Queen, some K Tel classics and my Star Wars records, these were in heavy rotation.

Curiously there was a third pile, which I didn’t quite get. The Doobie Brothers, Loggins and Messina and their ilk, with their long hair, Hawaiian shirts, and high-pitched harmonies, annoyed my post-toddler glam rock sensibilities and thus, those records remained on the shelf.  I guess between Chewbacca and Ch-Ch-Changes, I didn’t have time for the pastel suited dudes who looked like guest stars on a fey version of Miami Vice. But with my up bringing, you’d think I would have…

I grew up summering on Cape Cod, where the adults wore coral necklaces and collars up at clambakes and spoke about the Vineyard (Martha’s) and Vicodin. I was basically bred as the preppy spawn of Yacht Rock, yet it repelled me. Like hair metal, I looked down on it until later on in life, when I could appreciate both the kitsch value and sonic delight. I can now fully appreciate those deliciously smooth sounds.

Cut to the new millennium and mid-naughts. A resurgence in sampling, especially the ever-popular Michael Jackson, has led to a lot of smooth music being used in contemporary tracks. The YouTube comedy series “Yacht Rock” becomes a massive cult hit. Popular electro dance band, Chromeo, appear, un-ironically, on Daryl Hall’s internet program ‘Live From Daryl’s House‘.  Yacht Rock’s captain, Michael McDonald, recurs as a running punch line over several seasons of 30 Rock and then makes an appearance singing on their finale episode. Andy Samberg raps about the pleasures of being on the great big watery road with a nautical themed pashmina afghan.  As the Marina music clans begin putting together reunion tours and retrospectives, yacht rock parties start popping up around Hollywood. It’s a ‘Wassup Yacht Rockers!’ world. Everyone seems to want to rock out on the open sea.

Enter the Knights Of Monte Carlo. They play hard-core soft rock and ‘put the ass back in class and the hard on in chardonnay’.  The Knights of Monte Carlo are distinctly rich, gorgeously handsome, flawlessly refined sextet dedicated to resurrecting the best music ever to have hit the airwaves– 70’s soft rock. Because of their incredible talent and unparalleled style they frequently attract chic and pulchritudinous admirers from around the world, making Knights of Monte Carlo the most popular and internationally sought after soft rock tribute ensemble of all time…this is all self-professed.

I regale a friend about this group and convince her to dress in tropical splendor and accompany me for this three-hour tour. We decide that we need a yacht club persona. My friend chooses the soccer mom sensitive Cheryl Connerson, while I choose Debbie Finkelstein. Half way to the show, I decide to change the name to St Germaine, knowing a Finkelstein can sometimes have issues with the advisory board at a yacht club.

At the Key Club, a nautical flag sign denoted a VIP Entrance (actually the elevator), which whisked us aboard a room decorated with a Tequila Sunrise backdrop, and life preservers. Men in white linen suits and mirrored sunglasses beckoned us to come aboard for some pina colada and wine spritzer specials. For those not into health food, but into champagne, Knights Of Monte Carlo bass player, Brad Bayliner, held court at his International Cheese and Cracker Tasting – complete with gouda, Carrs, grapes and a Wall Street Journal. Yuppies Ahoy!

With tongue firmly planted in cheeks, the sextet took the stage and posed, postured, and karate kicked and flexed their way through a set including Doobies, Ambrosia, Loggins, Cross, Air Supply, America and Chicago. Can you Dig it? Yes, I can.  But wait, there’s more in this K Tel show. Toto? Yes, Toto too. Was the set missing some McDonald? That’s what a fool believes – he was aptly represented. A show sans Hall and Oates? No can do. The Knights can’t go for that, and neither should you.

The Knights were totally smooth, save for a few Rolexes and rope bracelet in danger of getting in the way of their fret work. Hey, that’s what a little Riuniti on ice will do to a guy. While Doc Spyders crooned the Escape song and shook his ass, Montague, dressed like a judo master, gave a shiatsu massage to the congos, elbows and all. During the drum break, Doc did yoga poses as Brad lit up a tobacco pipe.

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Next the Knights sequed into some Fleetwood Mac, a rousing rendition of Go Your Own Way which would have made Lindsay and Stevie at the Staples center across town, very proud. There were hits for the ladies too. Somebody’s Baby, Summer Breeze, Easy Like Sunday Morning, Ride Like The Wind and Africa, made the ladies sway like they were finding their sea legs at high tide. Knights drummer, Bobby Colada, even dedicated a song to Debbie St. Germaine (nee Finkelstein) noting how hard it can be to get into the yacht club with their (ahem) restrictions. Then the band launched into Rosanna. Meet you all the way, indeed.

Rounding out the night with some Robbie Dupree and Gerry Rafferty, KOMC’s Rico Morgan, was a master on the Korg keys and saxophone. Nelson Borealis wandered out onto the deck amongst the passengers for some smooth electric guitar. Brad gave a cheese update. Doc pulled up his white socks from his deck shoes and leapt over the mic stand; a finale of their white man choreography. I haven’t danced, or laughed, that hard in a while.

The normally staid preppy crowd whistled and yelled for more as if we were watching Bon Jovi in ’88. But the Knights had such a long way to go to make it to the border of Mexico. So they bid us all a bon voyage and asked us to come get smooth next Thursday for the continuation of their residency. It’d take a lot to drag me away from them.

Key Club – Thursday nights. Ya mo be there.

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