Get Up, Stand Up, Stand Up For The Stripes

We stand to sing our national anthem because it is THE LAW (Ed: it is not a law). Standing for our anthem is tradition and it is to honor our flag and our country. We put our hand over our heart and it is a contract, just like putting our hand on a stack of Bibles that you will kill for your country (Ed: This is not legally binding or true). Like for instancestance, at this baseball game, we open the game with our anthem. If we play another country, sometimes we will let them play theirs, but we don’t really like it.

We are proud of our country because we live here. Because we made this country what it was, I mean is. Well, we didn’t make it. Our forefathers did. We do very little. We are sitting on our ass now watching grown men trying to hit a ball with a stick. Our forefathers would be appalled. They would hate us. If we were critical thinkers we would admit to ourselves that we would hate them. They had slaves and probably beat their wives. But we are PROUD of them because they made America and there is NOTHING WRONG WITH AMERICA SO DON’T SASS ME. Our troops fight so you can read this right now! You lazy piece of generation nothing!

But this isn’t about your generation, you egomanwhatever. This is about tradition.

We stand during the seventh inning because it is tradition. It is called the seventh inning stretch! It’s a chance to stretch your legs and walk forty feet to get in line and then spend your week’s wages on enough pork guts to shove into your belly that you get the meat sweats. If that doesn’t land you in the toilets, then…

Then we sing a fun song called “Take Me Out To The Ball Game.” Why? Quit questioning authority and do it! All right I will tell you. It’s because it’s tradition and it honors our flag and our country and God wants us to honor peanuts and cracker jacks, as it says to in our Constitution. “Life, liberty and the pursuit of crackerjacks” (Ed: That isn’t in the Constitution).

There may be a separation of church and state, but there is no separation of ballpark and state. Thank GOD! Which is why we now sing “God Bless America” during the seventh inning too. You HAVE to stand for that. Well, you don’t have to. However, my more American than anyone in this country Hispanic friend sitting behind us will tell you, “You’re not from America if you don’t stand for our national anthem” (Ed: “God Bless America” isn’t our national anthem).

Why do we sing it? Because it’s tradition! All the way since 9/11 when George Bush and his cabinet decided who was American and who was not (Ed: they tried to). Then our ballparks decided we needed more tradition to prove this. And we all decided that the more tradition there was, the more we could make others feel bad if they weren’t being American enough. So everyone stands so they don’t get yelled at. So we sing it to remind ourselves of our amber waves of Monsanto genetically modified grain and our radioactive and oil slicked seas that are white with foam. You know, like a rabid dog. Did I mention that it’s a song about God? It has God in the title! So. Yeah, you gotta believe in God too, or you’re not a good American. But that goes without saying!

As a spectator, this is clearly not enough standing. Sure, there’s the wave, but that only comes around every 78 seconds or so, depending on the drunk reggaetron loving jackass, who keeps trying to start it.

No, there are so many more songs that are stand-upable that could be entered into our ballgame viewing pleasure. Why not have a third inning rendition of “American Pie”? It would be a good time for the ballpark to sell some good ole apple pie. Or how about “American Girl” or “American Woman”! It could be well timed with the hooters girls who shoot the t-shirt cannons during the 8th inning! And what about songs about freedom? Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. So how about some “Bobby McGee” during pitching changes? Or “Free Bird”? We could flip the bird to the other team when they come out onto the field! Heck I don’t care, what song gets you up out of your seat. I just want Tradition and Reverence, Singing and Standing.

Oh, but if you’re rooting for the out of town team, Do NOT stand so close to me. Wish there was a song for that.

 

 

 

Follow Ali MacLean on Twitter: www.twitter.com/aliontheair

Paul Provenza Is Tearing Apart The Fabric Of America

In honor of The Green Room’s broadcast on Showtime, I am reposting my Huffington Post article and interview with the host of The Green Room and author of Satiristas, Paul Provenza.

Paul Provenza is a thirty-year stand up veteran and actor who made the critically acclaimed documentary The Aristocrats, about the dirtiest joke ever told. Now he’s brought the filth that comedians spew to America’s bookshelves with !Satiristas!, a new book with Dan Dion’s photography, and the Showtime series The Green Room, a behind the scenes look at today’s best comedians.

Will his witty propaganda ever be stopped?
ALI MACLEAN: Who the hell do you think you are, Paul Provenza?

PAUL PROVENZA: I’m someone who nobody would hire so I had to make my own shit.

AM: And that shit was your book !Satiristas!? What is a Satirista? Is it like a Socialist?

PP: Sort of. It’s more like a fashionista.

AM: In your book and on your show, The Green Room with Paul Provenza, which is premiering on Showtime this week, you give up and coming comics, like that commie, fascist, socialist Lee Camp, a platform. So why not give new comics like Sarah Palin a chance? Even Jay Leno, who is in your book, gave her a chance. Why isn’t she in your book?

PP: You know she’s just not funny enough.

AM: So it’s all about talent? What advice would you have for someone like Sarah Palin in her budding stand up career?

PP: Sarah Palin needs to use the words ‘fuck’ and ‘cunt’ more often, and then I think she will appeal to a wider audience.

AM: Don’t you think she probably does that behind closed doors?

PP: No, she IS a fucking cunt. But she needs to use the words more in her act.

AM: Do you agree with Jay Leno who, in your book, said that being a satirist will put you out of business in the comedy world?

PP: Right. Stephen Colbert and Bill Maher and I were all talking about that and we all agree with him. Bill called to borrow a few bucks and Stephen wanted me to come get him at the airport. He didn’t have enough for cab fare.

AM: So why is Jay Leno in the book !Satiristas! when he says he doesn’t believe in satire?

PP: Because he’s someone who is on TV and does a monologue about the day’s events everyday, and makes the choice NOT to take a stand on anything. We thought that would be rather interesting in the context of everybody else. Plus we’re all hoping to get on his show. We’re really just sucking cock.

AM: Do you think he’s maybe doing a satire of a blue-collar guy?

PP: That’s a good question.

AM: Hmmm, maybe I should have cut that one. Next question.
Mike Nichols said that you can’t be Ann Coulter and be funny. How about George Bush? Karl Rove? Paul, if you had to teach them in a comedy class could you train them to do a tight five-minute spot at the Chuckle Hut?

PP: They’re more sketch performers. They’re sketch as opposed to stand up. They write these elaborate sketches like the War in Iraq and the presidential campaigns.

AM: But much like SNL, the sketches go on forever and ever. How attracted were you to Ann Coulter when you two were on Red Eye on Fox News together?

PP: I was so attracted to her. I got her number from the producers. I went home and went on Craigslist and got some black thugs and was going to invite her over.

AM: Would you change your politics if you started falling for a woman?

PP: I wouldn’t change my politics but I was so attracted to Ann Coulter that I thought that maybe I was gay.

AM: Victoria Jackson. Satirist or truth-sayer?

PP: I have no idea what the fuck Victoria Jackson is. I think she is furniture. I’m not sure.

AM: How about Dennis Miller?

PP: Dennis Miller? Next president of the United States. He will go head to head against Al Franken. Unless the third party candidate comes in and sweeps, and that would be Dane Cook. Dane Cook is essentially a one-man tea party.

AM: In your Henry Rollins interview you ask: “Shouldn’t entertainers just entertain and shut the fuck up?” So, like, why don’t you?

PP: Because they stopped serving airline food.

AM: So if our corporations could get the airlines to serve food on airplanes, then you guys would shut the fuck up and entertain again?

PP: Yeah, we’d have something to talk about again.

AM: Why do most comedians feel the need to destroy the fabric of our country that Betsy Ross and so many hard working women toiled to weave with their weaving fabric making things?

PP: Weaving fabric-making things?

AM: The olde timey machine that makes fabric. I didn’t have time to google the name of it.

PP: We’re not really tearing apart the fabric. It’s already coming apart. We’re just pulling at the threads and seeing if we can make something else happen.

AM: You shouldn’t tear apart the flags. It’s an important part of America.

PP: Well, here it’s pertinent to quote the late, great Bill Hicks, and say: “Huh, my flag was made in Korea.”

AM: We don’t actually want to make them here today. We have someone else make them.

PP: Yeah, children in a third world country. That’s how we spread democracy.

AM: Exactly. They’re lucky. Guess you’re not going to answer that question so I will ask you another one. Aren’t most comedians just products of broken homes with shitty fathers? If you just had more hugs and more Jesus, would you even BE funny?

PP: Aren’t broken homes and shitty fathers the American way?

AM: In certain states. But if you go to church you can get over it and you can become a productive member of society.

PP: I actually go to church. I know it’s hard for you to believe. It’s only because you know that Jesus on the cross? I love his smooth hairless body.

AM: This is what I’m talking about when I say you’re ripping apart the flag that Betsy Ross and her weavers worked so hard on.

PP: I’m not ripping apart the flag that Betsy Ross worked so hard on. If I had the flag that Betsy Ross worked so hard on, I wouldn’t destroy it. I’d put it up on EBay because it’s gotta be worth some serious coin. And that is the American way.

AM: That is true. That is why I’m voting for Meg Whitman. Here is a comic’s question for you. When is too soon, too soon to do a joke? Will it being too soon make you want to do the joke more? If so, what’s wrong with you?

PP: Yes. I will want to do it more. As a comedian, I’m like one of those on-the-scene reporters. I will actually go and try to find disasters so I can write jokes as the disasters unfold.

AM: You’re basically a comedic neo con. You create bad things and reap the benefits. Like Halliburton. You’re more of a Republican than I thought.

PP: There is no democrats or republicans, right or left, red state or blue state. We are all one. And we are all unified against Mexicans.

AM: Because they’re bad?

PP: We don’t want them coming here and taking their country back.

AM They’ve taken TV time slots too. Like Carlos Mencia.

PP: I am personally for open immigration but I’d like to restrict our borders specifically against Carlos Mencia. Cable TV is not protecting our borders.

AM: You’ve described your new show on Showtime, The Green Room, as comedy jazz. Most Americans don’t really get jazz, or like it. That’s why we listen to Britney Spears and country music. Care to reclassify the show?

PP: Yeah I know jazz is completely un-American. But the reason why America doesn’t like it is because it’s not funny. We’ve made jazz funny.

AM: Have you made it less ethnic?

PP: It’s less Mexican.

The Green Room with Paul Provenza airs Thursdays at 10:30 pm on Showtime

http://www.sho.com/site/greenroom/home.do

Satiristas!: Comedians, Contrarians, Raconteurs & Vulgarians
By Paul Provenza and Dan Dion
(IT Books, Hardcover)
can be found in bookstores everywhere or on Amazon

Satiristas: Comedians, Contrarians, Raconteurs & Vulgarians

Follow Ali MacLean on Twitter: www.twitter.com/aliontheair

Follow Ali MacLean on HuffPo: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ali-maclean

Cassettes Won’t Listen launches a Beat Kanye site – It’s On!

Here’s a throw down for the ages…Cassettes is challenging Mr. West to an internet duel.

We all know how graceful Kanye is under pressure…and since I often enjoy watching egos implode, I highly suggest you log on and help CWL beat Kanye. Plus, it could provoke a “George Bush hates black people” truthiness response…fingers crossed.

Cassettes Won’t Listen Vows To Offer Up Next Album Free If Cassettes Won’t Listen Beats Kanye West

Cassettes Won’t Listen has agreed to to give away his next album for free if he beats Kanye West in the nominations for Best Male Video.  MTV is giving fans the chance to nominate their favorite artists for this year’s Video Music Awards. So far, Cassettes Won’t Listen’s latest video for ‘Paper Float’ is in the running.  So, Cassettes Won’t Listen launched BeatKanye.com, because we know Kanye is a good sport when itcomes to losing awards, so people can cast their vote and help make MTV about great music once again.

And to show he’s serious, Cassettes Won’t Listen is offering his next single for free right now!  Freeze and Explode, which Pop Matters calls “stunning, gorgeous, flawless pop song just explodes off of the speakers, filled with an incredible sense of rising catharsis. It demands your attention, simply because it is one of the best songs that 2008 has produced to date,” will be released in the September with remixes, unreleased b-sides and a brand new video.  But for now, you can download
 
        
Visit BeatKanye.com to view the Paper Float video and
click the ‘VOTE’ link on the left to have your chance at helping beat Kanye West!”

Check out www.beatkanye.com for more info!