Jan Brewer: Witchy Woman

I’m back, bitches!

What, you don’t believe in reincarnation? Oh, you’ll vote for a presidential candidate who believes in magic underwear, but you don’t believe that I can come back in a different form? Well, guess again. I don’t need the Brothers Grimm to tell my story anymore. I have the mainstream media telling my crazy antics everyday. Or the ‘lame stream’ media. I got that one from that ho, Sarah Palin. I love that bitch. She cracks me up.

I know what you’re thinking. I look nothing like Charlize Theron. Who does? She is all CGI. By the way, thanks for that, Universal. Perfect casting. I’ve always seen myself as the fairest of them all and finally you made a movie where Snow White wasn’t such hot stuff. I mean, am I supposed to be threatened by that Twilight twerp? Puhleeze. I sent the Huntsman out after her just for shits and giggles.

So yeah, I’m not exactly a looker these days. Some say withered troll, but that would be inaccurate. (You’re thinking of Rumplestiltskin). I could blame it on the arid Arizona climate, but truthfully, I get my gorgeous looks from other people’s unhappiness and lately Congress and the Supreme Court are being a big fucking pain in my ass.

In the olden days, I could just exile a bunch of dwarves to the forest and hope the wolves would eat them. Now I have to try to pass laws so that the little people, sorry, poor brown immigrants, stay on their side of the fence. And people have the nerve to say I’m a witch? First of all, it’s Witch with a capital ‘W’.  Or just “W”. I borrowed that. And second of all, I’m just keeping the Kingdom safe! It’s for your own good. Those people take our jobs and our babies. They fuck up our lawns and spit in our food! You know those people have diseases and they cast spells, right? Not as good as my book of spells. I call it government red tape. It costs lots of money and eats up lots of time. It’s the dungeon of democracy.

I’ve been noticing the crow’s feet really beginning to spread the past few weeks with all this Obamacare nonsense. I’ve been doing everything I can to put a stop to health care. Starting with the Gays. If there’s one thing I can’t stand is happy people, and the Gay people have happy right there in their name. The nerve! And now they want to have their “partners” be covered in their health plan? Well, I immediately concocted a 500-page potion that would put an end to this practice. No unmarried partners will have health coverage. Especially not the happiest ones. No one is going to be happy if I’m not! Ugh, I can feel my pruny face shrivel just thinking about it! The bill keeps getting overturned but that won’t stop me. I will find a way. Their love for each other makes my hate stronger. And my strength makes my will greater. My evil will prevail! It has to. I can’t deal with having this leatherface for very much longer.

If we are going to force health care on everyone then there is a simple remedy I think both Republicans and Democrats can agree on. Everyone knows an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Apples. Delicious apples. Yes, I know I’m reaching into my old bag of tricks here, but when pressed up against a wall, a sorceress goes to her best. Phew. I’m already starting to feel younger. Sans Botox! Now if we can just start chopping down the trees and piping in the oil, I’ll look airbrushed in no time.

I’ve got all the time in the world, bitches. Insert witchy cackle here.

Packing My Bags For Canada

Goddamned Obama. Goddamned Supreme Court!

Who do they think they are forcing me to have health care when I don’t want it? That’s it. I’m packing my bags and moving to Canada. I’m really doing it this time too. I know I’ve said I would do it before, like when they gave the gay people rights.

But I have had it up to here! Here is about as high as 12 stacked cans of Schlitz beer and a couple of Spam cans on top. But you get the idea. I think some body needs to sit ole Barkacki down and have a little talk with him and tell him that America ain’t a socialism regime like the one he came from. (ED: Hawaii is one of the 50 states).

We don’t want the government telling us that we gotta go to the hospital if we, say, attach a set of jumper cables to our nipples and turn on the ignition just to see what happens. That’s our own goddamn business! And now the women are gonna be wanting check ups every damn time they miss a period or something happens down there.

That’s why I’m moving to Canada. They aren’t a crazy socialist country like Obama is trying to turn the U.S. of A into. (ED: They are far more socialist than we are). First of all, look at their lawmen. They still ride horses and carry guns, the way it should be. If our cops still acted like goddamned cowboys instead of sitting in donut shops all day long, you think kids would be eating bath salts and gnawing each other’s faces? No! They’d see those Mountie red jackets and those horses and they’d show some respect!

Secondly, they drink beer there. Noneathem froufroutini stuff you see on the cable shows. They drink beer and lots of beer, like the real people here do. You like to get your beer on here and people whine at you that you got a problem. “Stop hitting people,” they jaw at you. “Don’t drive when you’re like that,” “You can’t go to work when you drink beer in the morning,” “You’re not supposed to operate a forklift after having so many beers.” SO much jawing! In Canada, that’s just called enjoying your beer! It’s a national beverage that is made to be enjoyed. Amirite? (ED: You are not right. All the above is called alcoholism in Canada, too.)

Canada is pretty awesome. They won’t force their socialized medicine down my throat. (ED: Canada has a socialized health care system. This is getting tiring.) And I won’t have to pay for someone elses medicine either. If someone’s gonna die, that’s their business. Amirite? Plus in Canada, they’ve got lots of maple syrup if I want pancakes and I do love me some pancakes. And at least in Canada, they speak ENGLISH! (ED: … and French. Oh boy.)

Man, I just HATE America right now. It’s such a mess. And it’s all Obama’s fault! That’s why I’m moving to Canada. But I’ll tell you what. If Romney wins in November? I might come back. He could repeal this Obamacare business and come up with a real healthcare plan. You can bet on that. (ED: We give up).