Jan Brewer: Witchy Woman

I’m back, bitches!

What, you don’t believe in reincarnation? Oh, you’ll vote for a presidential candidate who believes in magic underwear, but you don’t believe that I can come back in a different form? Well, guess again. I don’t need the Brothers Grimm to tell my story anymore. I have the mainstream media telling my crazy antics everyday. Or the ‘lame stream’ media. I got that one from that ho, Sarah Palin. I love that bitch. She cracks me up.

I know what you’re thinking. I look nothing like Charlize Theron. Who does? She is all CGI. By the way, thanks for that, Universal. Perfect casting. I’ve always seen myself as the fairest of them all and finally you made a movie where Snow White wasn’t such hot stuff. I mean, am I supposed to be threatened by that Twilight twerp? Puhleeze. I sent the Huntsman out after her just for shits and giggles.

So yeah, I’m not exactly a looker these days. Some say withered troll, but that would be inaccurate. (You’re thinking of Rumplestiltskin). I could blame it on the arid Arizona climate, but truthfully, I get my gorgeous looks from other people’s unhappiness and lately Congress and the Supreme Court are being a big fucking pain in my ass.

In the olden days, I could just exile a bunch of dwarves to the forest and hope the wolves would eat them. Now I have to try to pass laws so that the little people, sorry, poor brown immigrants, stay on their side of the fence. And people have the nerve to say I’m a witch? First of all, it’s Witch with a capital ‘W’.  Or just “W”. I borrowed that. And second of all, I’m just keeping the Kingdom safe! It’s for your own good. Those people take our jobs and our babies. They fuck up our lawns and spit in our food! You know those people have diseases and they cast spells, right? Not as good as my book of spells. I call it government red tape. It costs lots of money and eats up lots of time. It’s the dungeon of democracy.

I’ve been noticing the crow’s feet really beginning to spread the past few weeks with all this Obamacare nonsense. I’ve been doing everything I can to put a stop to health care. Starting with the Gays. If there’s one thing I can’t stand is happy people, and the Gay people have happy right there in their name. The nerve! And now they want to have their “partners” be covered in their health plan? Well, I immediately concocted a 500-page potion that would put an end to this practice. No unmarried partners will have health coverage. Especially not the happiest ones. No one is going to be happy if I’m not! Ugh, I can feel my pruny face shrivel just thinking about it! The bill keeps getting overturned but that won’t stop me. I will find a way. Their love for each other makes my hate stronger. And my strength makes my will greater. My evil will prevail! It has to. I can’t deal with having this leatherface for very much longer.

If we are going to force health care on everyone then there is a simple remedy I think both Republicans and Democrats can agree on. Everyone knows an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Apples. Delicious apples. Yes, I know I’m reaching into my old bag of tricks here, but when pressed up against a wall, a sorceress goes to her best. Phew. I’m already starting to feel younger. Sans Botox! Now if we can just start chopping down the trees and piping in the oil, I’ll look airbrushed in no time.

I’ve got all the time in the world, bitches. Insert witchy cackle here.

Packing My Bags For Canada

Goddamned Obama. Goddamned Supreme Court!

Who do they think they are forcing me to have health care when I don’t want it? That’s it. I’m packing my bags and moving to Canada. I’m really doing it this time too. I know I’ve said I would do it before, like when they gave the gay people rights.

But I have had it up to here! Here is about as high as 12 stacked cans of Schlitz beer and a couple of Spam cans on top. But you get the idea. I think some body needs to sit ole Barkacki down and have a little talk with him and tell him that America ain’t a socialism regime like the one he came from. (ED: Hawaii is one of the 50 states).

We don’t want the government telling us that we gotta go to the hospital if we, say, attach a set of jumper cables to our nipples and turn on the ignition just to see what happens. That’s our own goddamn business! And now the women are gonna be wanting check ups every damn time they miss a period or something happens down there.

That’s why I’m moving to Canada. They aren’t a crazy socialist country like Obama is trying to turn the U.S. of A into. (ED: They are far more socialist than we are). First of all, look at their lawmen. They still ride horses and carry guns, the way it should be. If our cops still acted like goddamned cowboys instead of sitting in donut shops all day long, you think kids would be eating bath salts and gnawing each other’s faces? No! They’d see those Mountie red jackets and those horses and they’d show some respect!

Secondly, they drink beer there. Noneathem froufroutini stuff you see on the cable shows. They drink beer and lots of beer, like the real people here do. You like to get your beer on here and people whine at you that you got a problem. “Stop hitting people,” they jaw at you. “Don’t drive when you’re like that,” “You can’t go to work when you drink beer in the morning,” “You’re not supposed to operate a forklift after having so many beers.” SO much jawing! In Canada, that’s just called enjoying your beer! It’s a national beverage that is made to be enjoyed. Amirite? (ED: You are not right. All the above is called alcoholism in Canada, too.)

Canada is pretty awesome. They won’t force their socialized medicine down my throat. (ED: Canada has a socialized health care system. This is getting tiring.) And I won’t have to pay for someone elses medicine either. If someone’s gonna die, that’s their business. Amirite? Plus in Canada, they’ve got lots of maple syrup if I want pancakes and I do love me some pancakes. And at least in Canada, they speak ENGLISH! (ED: … and French. Oh boy.)

Man, I just HATE America right now. It’s such a mess. And it’s all Obama’s fault! That’s why I’m moving to Canada. But I’ll tell you what. If Romney wins in November? I might come back. He could repeal this Obamacare business and come up with a real healthcare plan. You can bet on that. (ED: We give up).

I Love Black People

I am not a racist. I have black people in my family. My aunt is married to a black man and he was invited to my sister’s wedding. Yes, I know that I am not my sister, but I would totally invite him to my wedding.

A lot of times black people just assume that I am racist. One reason is the way I look. I am pale white with blue eyes and flaxen blonde hair. I’m a Nellie Olsen looking motherfucker. If it were Prairie times, I have slave-owner written all over me. The second reason is I’m from Boston, apparently the racist capital of America. Forget the Bible belt, if you mention you’re from Boston and have a last name starting with a Celtic prefix, you might as well be wearing a hood. I try to tell people I come from the Kennedy part of Boston, not the Marky Mark part of Boston, but that just seems to make things worse.

I have black friends. I have a black director and black co-stars. I have even dined with the esteemed Baratunde Thurston, author of How To Be Black. We sat at the W Hotel’s Spike Lee table! I realize I’m name-dropping black people names and maybe that’s just desperate ways to get you to think that I’m not racist. Here are some more: My favorite indie actor is Don Cheadle. My favorite baseball player is David ‘Big Papi ‘ Ortiz. My favorite basketball player is Paul Pierce. My favorite football player was Asante Samuel until he defected to the Eagles. My favorite teacher could have been black if my University had hired any. That one’s not on me.

I don’t know how much more I can make it clear to you that I’m not racist. I like black people as much as I could like ANY human being. I mean I’m not much of a people person in general. As far as people go, some of the black ones I’ve met have been pretty great. I feel like maybe all this groveling is maybe sounding a bit racist but whatever I can do to convince you. You see, the other night I flinched.

I was booked on a performance with four other amazing performers at Comedy Central. Another performer that night was a wonderful and hilarious gentleman, an African American who did a piece on how white women are crazy, especially the ones he dated, and sometimes a little racist.

I, personally, had a bitchy tidal wave of a week filled with a disappointing dickbag, a hit-and-run car smash up, and pet cancer. I had to pull deep inside my good ole Scot stoicism that solders a steely shield and holds in the tears that come out every 200 years, like Brigadoon. That rock hard badassery got me through the show and helped me kick some ass.

In the swirl of the after party, I finally had a second to reflect on my horrible week and I got lost in my head for a moment. I felt a tap on my shoulder and I hunched my shoulders a bit. I turned around and saw it was the black guy from my show. Oh no! Not the black guy. Anybody but the black guy! He’s gonna think I’m racist and that I flinched because he is black. Sure enough…

“Oh sorry, I didn’t mean to touch you…”

I could have told him I didn’t know that it was him. Or that he had startled me. Or that my week had been like a piñata stuffed with human waste that had burst everywhere. I could have told him that.

But instead I made it worse:

“I have a bad shoulder.”

“You have a bad shoulder? Oh, it’s like THAT. That’s a new one. I’ve got to write that one down.”

“No really! I fell hiking!”

The fact was I did have a bad shoulder. I am a clumsy fool. But I’m no racist.

I asked him if I could give him a hug. He begrudgingly agreed. I took a running start and gave him a massive bear hug. It lasted so long that most people around us began to get uncomfortable. I think I would have given him a blowjob if it would sort out race relations. Hell, I think I would have given white guilt head to anyone in Affirmative Action at that moment just to smooth things out. For someone who doesn’t like most people, I sure do want everyone to get along.

You know what this means. I’m definitely going to have to vote for Obama again. That should prove to you that I’m not racist. I do love having a black president. I just really wish he wasn’t a Muslim.

Are You Cat Mom Enough?

The times, they are a changing. The traditional family is no longer so traditional. Marriage is being fought over on an international level, and yet it seems fewer and fewer people want to enter into that contract.

Many women find that while having a healthy career, they don’t have time for a baby or don’t want a baby. Or perhaps their dating pool is genetically inferior. Or missing altogether. But women can always make room in their hearts for a cat baby!

 

Kittens are so cute! Who doesn’t like a kitten? If YouTube and the Internet is any proof, the WHOLE DAMN WORLD loves kittens. So why all the hate when kittens become cats…and they happen to live with women? There is a disturbing misogyny out there that permeates our society: why is a woman that has a cat baby weird, undesirable, or unfit to be wed? That woman you hate on is just a single mom!

Somehow being overly attached to a human baby you have is fine. Even a dog fetish seems acceptable. Nine out of ten times if someone is pushing a baby carriage through the streets of Los Angeles, you can bet there is a dog in it. In today’s society you can bring your baby or your dog to parties, games, movies, malls, even to restaurants. It’s called attachment parenting. However, if you brought your cat? You’re the eccentric, weird cat lady with issues. Society should think long and hard about the idea of bringing your baby everywhere. Mommy and me yoga classes? How unrelaxing.

Attachment parenting for a newborn kitten is an exception and should be practiced. I’m a proud cat mom. True, my kitten did not come from my loins, but that doesn’t make her any less loved. Adopted babies belong in a family just as much as birthed babies. And I won’t have anyone slight her for it.

I raised a colicky kitten. She cried and cried. I let her feed as much as she wanted, whenever she wanted. She shared my bed and still does. I try to teach her to use her own bed, but she just loves to sneak in with me and she’s just so sweet and cute. I can’t say no to her. It’s hard to say no to your baby!

People may talk about me or tell me I’m not doing my cat any favors. They say I’m raising her to be a monster. They say ‘what you permit you promote’. Well they aren’t raising her. It’s not their cat baby, so they can butt out!

My boyfriend does get annoyed sometimes, but he just has to deal with cat baby and me. She has been around longer, after all. And what happens if he doesn’t want to deal with it? Well, there are more men where he came from. And what if those men don’t want to deal with my baby, either? Well, I’ve been raising my life partner from the cradle. The cat’s cradle, if you will. So I’m covered any way you look at it.

Photo credit: Michael Rababy

Paul Provenza Is Tearing Apart The Fabric Of America

In honor of The Green Room’s broadcast on Showtime, I am reposting my Huffington Post article and interview with the host of The Green Room and author of Satiristas, Paul Provenza.

Paul Provenza is a thirty-year stand up veteran and actor who made the critically acclaimed documentary The Aristocrats, about the dirtiest joke ever told. Now he’s brought the filth that comedians spew to America’s bookshelves with !Satiristas!, a new book with Dan Dion’s photography, and the Showtime series The Green Room, a behind the scenes look at today’s best comedians.

Will his witty propaganda ever be stopped?
ALI MACLEAN: Who the hell do you think you are, Paul Provenza?

PAUL PROVENZA: I’m someone who nobody would hire so I had to make my own shit.

AM: And that shit was your book !Satiristas!? What is a Satirista? Is it like a Socialist?

PP: Sort of. It’s more like a fashionista.

AM: In your book and on your show, The Green Room with Paul Provenza, which is premiering on Showtime this week, you give up and coming comics, like that commie, fascist, socialist Lee Camp, a platform. So why not give new comics like Sarah Palin a chance? Even Jay Leno, who is in your book, gave her a chance. Why isn’t she in your book?

PP: You know she’s just not funny enough.

AM: So it’s all about talent? What advice would you have for someone like Sarah Palin in her budding stand up career?

PP: Sarah Palin needs to use the words ‘fuck’ and ‘cunt’ more often, and then I think she will appeal to a wider audience.

AM: Don’t you think she probably does that behind closed doors?

PP: No, she IS a fucking cunt. But she needs to use the words more in her act.

AM: Do you agree with Jay Leno who, in your book, said that being a satirist will put you out of business in the comedy world?

PP: Right. Stephen Colbert and Bill Maher and I were all talking about that and we all agree with him. Bill called to borrow a few bucks and Stephen wanted me to come get him at the airport. He didn’t have enough for cab fare.

AM: So why is Jay Leno in the book !Satiristas! when he says he doesn’t believe in satire?

PP: Because he’s someone who is on TV and does a monologue about the day’s events everyday, and makes the choice NOT to take a stand on anything. We thought that would be rather interesting in the context of everybody else. Plus we’re all hoping to get on his show. We’re really just sucking cock.

AM: Do you think he’s maybe doing a satire of a blue-collar guy?

PP: That’s a good question.

AM: Hmmm, maybe I should have cut that one. Next question.
Mike Nichols said that you can’t be Ann Coulter and be funny. How about George Bush? Karl Rove? Paul, if you had to teach them in a comedy class could you train them to do a tight five-minute spot at the Chuckle Hut?

PP: They’re more sketch performers. They’re sketch as opposed to stand up. They write these elaborate sketches like the War in Iraq and the presidential campaigns.

AM: But much like SNL, the sketches go on forever and ever. How attracted were you to Ann Coulter when you two were on Red Eye on Fox News together?

PP: I was so attracted to her. I got her number from the producers. I went home and went on Craigslist and got some black thugs and was going to invite her over.

AM: Would you change your politics if you started falling for a woman?

PP: I wouldn’t change my politics but I was so attracted to Ann Coulter that I thought that maybe I was gay.

AM: Victoria Jackson. Satirist or truth-sayer?

PP: I have no idea what the fuck Victoria Jackson is. I think she is furniture. I’m not sure.

AM: How about Dennis Miller?

PP: Dennis Miller? Next president of the United States. He will go head to head against Al Franken. Unless the third party candidate comes in and sweeps, and that would be Dane Cook. Dane Cook is essentially a one-man tea party.

AM: In your Henry Rollins interview you ask: “Shouldn’t entertainers just entertain and shut the fuck up?” So, like, why don’t you?

PP: Because they stopped serving airline food.

AM: So if our corporations could get the airlines to serve food on airplanes, then you guys would shut the fuck up and entertain again?

PP: Yeah, we’d have something to talk about again.

AM: Why do most comedians feel the need to destroy the fabric of our country that Betsy Ross and so many hard working women toiled to weave with their weaving fabric making things?

PP: Weaving fabric-making things?

AM: The olde timey machine that makes fabric. I didn’t have time to google the name of it.

PP: We’re not really tearing apart the fabric. It’s already coming apart. We’re just pulling at the threads and seeing if we can make something else happen.

AM: You shouldn’t tear apart the flags. It’s an important part of America.

PP: Well, here it’s pertinent to quote the late, great Bill Hicks, and say: “Huh, my flag was made in Korea.”

AM: We don’t actually want to make them here today. We have someone else make them.

PP: Yeah, children in a third world country. That’s how we spread democracy.

AM: Exactly. They’re lucky. Guess you’re not going to answer that question so I will ask you another one. Aren’t most comedians just products of broken homes with shitty fathers? If you just had more hugs and more Jesus, would you even BE funny?

PP: Aren’t broken homes and shitty fathers the American way?

AM: In certain states. But if you go to church you can get over it and you can become a productive member of society.

PP: I actually go to church. I know it’s hard for you to believe. It’s only because you know that Jesus on the cross? I love his smooth hairless body.

AM: This is what I’m talking about when I say you’re ripping apart the flag that Betsy Ross and her weavers worked so hard on.

PP: I’m not ripping apart the flag that Betsy Ross worked so hard on. If I had the flag that Betsy Ross worked so hard on, I wouldn’t destroy it. I’d put it up on EBay because it’s gotta be worth some serious coin. And that is the American way.

AM: That is true. That is why I’m voting for Meg Whitman. Here is a comic’s question for you. When is too soon, too soon to do a joke? Will it being too soon make you want to do the joke more? If so, what’s wrong with you?

PP: Yes. I will want to do it more. As a comedian, I’m like one of those on-the-scene reporters. I will actually go and try to find disasters so I can write jokes as the disasters unfold.

AM: You’re basically a comedic neo con. You create bad things and reap the benefits. Like Halliburton. You’re more of a Republican than I thought.

PP: There is no democrats or republicans, right or left, red state or blue state. We are all one. And we are all unified against Mexicans.

AM: Because they’re bad?

PP: We don’t want them coming here and taking their country back.

AM They’ve taken TV time slots too. Like Carlos Mencia.

PP: I am personally for open immigration but I’d like to restrict our borders specifically against Carlos Mencia. Cable TV is not protecting our borders.

AM: You’ve described your new show on Showtime, The Green Room, as comedy jazz. Most Americans don’t really get jazz, or like it. That’s why we listen to Britney Spears and country music. Care to reclassify the show?

PP: Yeah I know jazz is completely un-American. But the reason why America doesn’t like it is because it’s not funny. We’ve made jazz funny.

AM: Have you made it less ethnic?

PP: It’s less Mexican.

The Green Room with Paul Provenza airs Thursdays at 10:30 pm on Showtime

http://www.sho.com/site/greenroom/home.do

Satiristas!: Comedians, Contrarians, Raconteurs & Vulgarians
By Paul Provenza and Dan Dion
(IT Books, Hardcover)
can be found in bookstores everywhere or on Amazon

Satiristas: Comedians, Contrarians, Raconteurs & Vulgarians

Follow Ali MacLean on Twitter: www.twitter.com/aliontheair

Follow Ali MacLean on HuffPo: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ali-maclean

Stimulus Package – Larry Flynt Asks Congress For Porn Industry Bail Out

I had to repost this article from CNN.com…Larry Flynt is a satirist on par with Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde and Stephen Colbert. Kudos, Larry!

WASHINGTON (CNN) — Another major American industry is asking for assistance as the global financial crisis continues: Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis said Wednesday they will request that Congress allocate $5 billion for a bailout of the adult entertainment industry.

“The take here is that everyone and their mother want to be bailed out from the banks to the big three,” said Owen Moogan, spokesman for Larry Flynt. “The porn industry has been hurt by the downturn like everyone else and they are going to ask for the $5 billion. Is it the most serious thing in the world? Is it going to make the lives of Americans better if it happens? It is not for them to determine.”

Francis said in a statement that “the US government should actively support the adult industry’s survival and growth, just as it feels the need to support any other industry cherished by the American people.”

“We should be delivering [the request] by the end of today to our congressmen and [Secretary of the Treasury Henry] Paulson asking for this $5 billion dollar bailout,” he told CNN Wednesday.

Flynt and Francis concede the industry itself is in no financial danger — DVD sales have slipped over the past year, but Web traffic has continued to grow.

But the industry leaders said the issue is a nation in need. “People are too depressed to be sexually active,” Flynt said in the statement. “This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex.”

“With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind. It’s time for congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America. The only way they can do this is by supporting the adult industry and doing it quickly.”

So far, there has been no congressional reaction to the request.

The America Dream – my essay in a new book!

Last year I wrote an essay on the Hollywood dream for my friend Harmon Leon, and now it’s being published in his new book American Dream.

It’s been recommended by Howard Stern, jimmy Kimmel, and other funny folk.

The book is out on October 6th, but you can pre-order your copy NOW on Amazon.

Amazon. com: The American Dream:
http://www. amazon. com/American-Dream-Immigrant-Christian-Believers/dp/1568583524/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1221242315&sr=8-2

I’m pretty excited as Harmon is an excellent writer and very funny comedian. I’m honored to be sharing page space with him.

Join the Ali Empire before I get too expensive for you…order now!

More publishings from me soon.

xoxo
Ali