Jan Brewer: Witchy Woman

I’m back, bitches!

What, you don’t believe in reincarnation? Oh, you’ll vote for a presidential candidate who believes in magic underwear, but you don’t believe that I can come back in a different form? Well, guess again. I don’t need the Brothers Grimm to tell my story anymore. I have the mainstream media telling my crazy antics everyday. Or the ‘lame stream’ media. I got that one from that ho, Sarah Palin. I love that bitch. She cracks me up.

I know what you’re thinking. I look nothing like Charlize Theron. Who does? She is all CGI. By the way, thanks for that, Universal. Perfect casting. I’ve always seen myself as the fairest of them all and finally you made a movie where Snow White wasn’t such hot stuff. I mean, am I supposed to be threatened by that Twilight twerp? Puhleeze. I sent the Huntsman out after her just for shits and giggles.

So yeah, I’m not exactly a looker these days. Some say withered troll, but that would be inaccurate. (You’re thinking of Rumplestiltskin). I could blame it on the arid Arizona climate, but truthfully, I get my gorgeous looks from other people’s unhappiness and lately Congress and the Supreme Court are being a big fucking pain in my ass.

In the olden days, I could just exile a bunch of dwarves to the forest and hope the wolves would eat them. Now I have to try to pass laws so that the little people, sorry, poor brown immigrants, stay on their side of the fence. And people have the nerve to say I’m a witch? First of all, it’s Witch with a capital ‘W’.  Or just “W”. I borrowed that. And second of all, I’m just keeping the Kingdom safe! It’s for your own good. Those people take our jobs and our babies. They fuck up our lawns and spit in our food! You know those people have diseases and they cast spells, right? Not as good as my book of spells. I call it government red tape. It costs lots of money and eats up lots of time. It’s the dungeon of democracy.

I’ve been noticing the crow’s feet really beginning to spread the past few weeks with all this Obamacare nonsense. I’ve been doing everything I can to put a stop to health care. Starting with the Gays. If there’s one thing I can’t stand is happy people, and the Gay people have happy right there in their name. The nerve! And now they want to have their “partners” be covered in their health plan? Well, I immediately concocted a 500-page potion that would put an end to this practice. No unmarried partners will have health coverage. Especially not the happiest ones. No one is going to be happy if I’m not! Ugh, I can feel my pruny face shrivel just thinking about it! The bill keeps getting overturned but that won’t stop me. I will find a way. Their love for each other makes my hate stronger. And my strength makes my will greater. My evil will prevail! It has to. I can’t deal with having this leatherface for very much longer.

If we are going to force health care on everyone then there is a simple remedy I think both Republicans and Democrats can agree on. Everyone knows an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Apples. Delicious apples. Yes, I know I’m reaching into my old bag of tricks here, but when pressed up against a wall, a sorceress goes to her best. Phew. I’m already starting to feel younger. Sans Botox! Now if we can just start chopping down the trees and piping in the oil, I’ll look airbrushed in no time.

I’ve got all the time in the world, bitches. Insert witchy cackle here.

South By Skulldiggery – Band of Skulls Continue To Conquer The US

SxSw was a (not so hot) mess. If you combined the party hounds from the Super Bowl, Mardi Gras and Spring Break and confined them to a six block radius…and then tried to add some showcasing bands to the mix, you get a pretty good idea of the mayhem.

I have a full report on my favorite finds of the festival but the only interview I granted during the whole week is a band I’ve been talking about for a year now…yes the ONLY interview I agreed to do. Band Of Skulls.

These guys knocked me off my stiletto boots in the cramped sweaty back room of Three Of Clubs last summer. And I’ve made sure not to miss their LA performances ever since whether it be at Jimmy Kimmel or the Hammer museum. Their LP release Baby Darling Dollface Honey, doesn’t have a bad song on it and is chock full of dirty sexy soulful riffs -  the way the guitar was intended to be played .

Now boasting a spot on the Twilight: New Moon soundtrack, a Lollapalooza performance, an upcoming Coachella slot and a currently touring with BRMC, it seems that Band Of Skulls is catching on across the nation. Normally that would annoy an uber fan. I’d complain that I saw them first and their popularity means that they no longer hold that special something. But it isn’t so. I’m super excited for the world to discover this bluesy ballsy band.

It’s time to stop giving our attention to the pussy auto tuned acts and start turning our attention to the deserved few who are letting it bleed. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you BAND OF SKULLS:

The Raveonettes – Warm and Fuzzy (Sounding) in Los Angeles

Steeped in cool fuzz, the Raveonettes have modernized the fifties sound of the Raveonettes, in the same manner that David Lynch takes those nifty fifties family values and transplants them into the insidious, dark, seedy underbelly of the modern city.

The city of Los Angeles seemed to want to welcome the Danish duo on Saturday, and match their music with cool, cloudy, shoegaze weather. The show was at near capacity, bringing out a lot of lovesick lads who pressed up against the lip of the stage to hang on Sharin Foo’s every lilting syllable.

Dreamy, surf swells of feedback from Sune Rose Wagner’s strumming, echoed against the walls of the Fonda, with ‘Love In A Trashcan’ being a stand out. Many of the newer songs off their current LP, like ‘Lust’ are trance like ballads filled with twangy yearning. Punchy versions of ‘Attack Of The Ghost Rider’ and ‘Twilight’ picked up the pace a little bit, with a chugging beat that hearkened to their California cousins, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. The final song of the evening was the stand out ‘Aly Walk With Me’, an electronic, Brill Building styled, slow jam which has strains of good old Garbage.

But this was a pared down show. To round out the duo’s sound, the Raveonettes employed Pity Party Julie Heisenflei on drums and picked up a femme fatale on back up guitar to round out the ‘Leader Of the Pack’ type gang. However the show was quick, straightforward, and pared down, with little banter between songs. All in all, the set seemed disappointingly short. Including the encore, it was over in a little under an hour…the time it takes to get crunked on a shot of absinthe, dream of Gauloises and girl gangs, and then sober up for the ride home.