Storming The Bastille

It was recently July 14th, so I said to a guy, “Happy Bastille Day”! He sort of rolled his eyes and churlishly mumbled. “The fuck do I care about Bastille day? And why the fuck do you? Why should we care in the US about some dumb French holiday?”

All rudeness aside, I decided to explain it to him. I love talking to churlish brick walls. I’m like a perky, blond Sisyphus.

“Well,  you see. You should maybe have a little interest in what was going on leading up to Bastille Day. Let me give you the very broad strokes.

Back in France at the time, they were having a lot of natural disasters. Whole towns had been wiped out by storms. Many people had lost their homes. Crops had been decimated. That meant there was very little in the way of food. And bread prices went through the roof. People were homeless and starving…

Anything? Any light bulbs overhead?No?

Meanwhile, France’s national debt was atrocious. France had been overseas fighting in the American Revolutionary War. It had been a long, drawn out conflict and many of the French citizens were tired of it and wanted to know why their country was fighting in a war they had no business being a part of.

Now are any bells going off? No? Stay with me. We’ll have snacks soon.

Well, also at the time, the middle class had been taxed so much that it had become a poor class. The nobility and clergy were exempt from this tax. A financial advisor to King Louis made a suggestion that a new tax be made to include the nobility which comprised the top percentage of the country. Well, the nobility went bitchcakes and refused. The financial advisor was fired. The poor at this point, were fed up and deicded that they were going to storm Wall Street. I’m sorry, I mean The Bastille. 

Sound familiar?

France didn’t even have the added bonus of Twitter back then for their revolution. All they had was Madame Defarge and her knitting needles. I bet it took a long god damned time for a retweet. I should probably tell you know that was a Charles Dickens joke. He was a writer. Pretty popular. He wrote serials? Kinda the Dick Wolf of his day? Dick Wolf. He was a TV producer. TV. It was the Facebook of it’s day?

So, yeah, No. This has nothing to do with our country. History never repeats itself and you should not concern yourself with other countries and their holidays or traditions. Just keep ignoring what is happening and keep downloading remixes and playing Call of Duty. 

You had ear buds in the whole time, didn’t you?”

I’m against the death penalty but maybe for certain circumstances we could bring back the guillotine?

 

Serato Is Not A Pasta – DJ Intervention Starts Now

I’ve written many times before about the difference between a legit DJ and the hobbyists who like the idea of having their playlist heard on a Friday night for a little cash in their pocket.

If it’s true that ‘Anyone Can Play Guitar’ then it’s even more true that anyone can DJ, especially when you can download Serato for free…but forget beat matching. That rarely even enters into the equation anymore. In today’s club scene a dilettante can get paid four or five thousand dollars and show up with their i pod just because they fucked someone famous and the promoter thinks thats cool and bitchin and shit.

OK, the novelty of seeing the cast of Gossip Girl fumble around with a mixer might be an initial draw but then what? I’ll tell you what. If it’s a nightclub with a dance floor, the real DJ has to come in and save their ass and make sure there’s actual music playing.

Now, not all venues have to have banging house tunes. Many bars and clubs these days want a lo fi, bring-your-own-stuff-to-spin atmosphere, and that’s cool. But the difference is: no one is being paid obnoxious amounts of money for something they downloaded off itunes a few hours before.

I’ve been hired to spin at certain clubs around Los Angeles, mainly because I know music. I’ve been asked to spin records (yes, I use vinyl) in between bands performing at venues…and even though I have been on air at a few different radio stations, I don’t really consider myself a working DJ. On air personality? Yes. A DJ? Not really.

Do I love to search for records? Sure. I like to go to Counterpoint and flea markets. I’ll drag boyfriends and family members to vintage shops and dusty record bins while on vacation until they beg me to stop. However, I don’t make special crate digging trips to Japan or Israel or Brazil like Pete Rock or Cut Chemist do, for the SOLE PURPOSE of collecting rare records. That is LOVE of the craft. That is why those guys should be hired to do the job.

Pete Rock crate digging for vinyl gold

And then some dick promoter is going to pay Peaches Geldof a shit ton of money to “DJ” their party?

When I see the amount of hard work someone like DJ Z Trip or Rhettmatic has put into their careers, only to see some trust fund kid with a chip on his shoulder and a personal paparazzo by his side, breeze by and get flown all over the world for 5 and 6 figure gigs…when I’ve seen that same trust fund fucker literally plug his i pod in at a venue and then walk away from the DJ booth to pose for pictures and pound drinks…it infuriates me for the hard working DJs out there.

Z Trip's first love

I’m not saying that not every celebrity sucks at DJing. Carlos D from Interpol has been DJing for years and only uses vinyl. It seems to me he has a real love for it and puts a lot of time and energy into it. Therein lies the difference. Are you in it because you love it? Or are you doing it for the photo op? Cause most of us can tell, you know.

Club owners: Stop paying good money for shitty product. You want the cast of Twilight to DJ your party? Fine. Don’t pay them. They’re not DJs. Give them a bottle of Grey Goose and set them up in a booth in the corner. You can take a photo of them standing near the DJ booth for the starfucker page on your website and leave the DJing to someone with chops.

Festival bookers: Really? Six figures for a DJ who’s crap?  We’re not that high. Stop it.

Last fall, after another night where Z Trip had to follow another “DJ” train wreck, he took to twitter and ranted which I have to admit, I egged on and on. Our tweets ultimately gave me the idea for this film…this is part one of an ongoing series of DJ INTERVENTION.

If you like it, pass it on to all of your friends who may need some help. We know you’re out there and we want you to get the help you deserve…

Or you can vote for it here on Funny Or Die:

DJ Intervention, Part 1 – watch more funny videos

Part Two to come soon!!

May The Farce Be With You – Darth Stewie and Family Guy Are Back In Space

Calling all Stewie and Lord Darth fans! There’s a tremor in the force and there’s a party to prove it.

Family Guy: Something, Something, Something, Darkside arrives  Blu-ray and DVD December 22. A follow-up to the 2008 Star Wars spoof “Blue Harvest,” this time around the Griffin clan packs light saber sharp wit as they parody the classic sequel The Empire Strikes Back.  Luke (Chris), Leia (Lois), Han Solo (Peter) and Chewbacca (Brian) have evaded the dreaded Imperial Starfleet led by the cunning, conniving and curiously short evil lord Darth Vader (Stewie), setting up a new secret base on the remote ice world of Hoth.  With the rebellion in trouble, young Skywalker must take the advice of his late, and rather lascivious, mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert) and learn the ways of the “farce” under Jedi Master Yoda (Carl) to save the galaxy once and for all.

In honor of all things Stewie and of course, the many wars that Lucas brought us, a special press event will be happening in a galaxy far far far away called Miami. Taking place at the Art Basel Festival, the event will feature a 45 foot Darth Stewie parade balloon, stormtroopers, light sabers, drink specials and giveaways. Super special guest DJ Daniel from Ladytron on the ones and twos. He doesn’t disappoint sonically and, ladies, he is very easy on the eyes, so I’d get down there if you are South Beach adjacent.

The best part about it is, if you live near this Floridian cantina, you can go for free! Yes, you can walk up to the door man, wave your hand in front of his face and use your Jedi mind tricks on him and tell him to let you in for free. He’ll think it’s hilarious because you’ll definitely be the first to do that all night. But if you rsvp’d, he will have to let you in anyways.

Here are the party details.

Wednesday December 2, 2009

The Vagabond
30 NE 14th Street
Downtown Miami

And since ’tis the season of giving, and I’m feeling a bit charitable, I’m going to give away a DVD prize packages (including DVD and mini-poster). To win, follow me on twitter at @aliontheair and tweet me your favorite scene from Family Guy. The one that makes me laugh the hardest wins. That’s it! I mean, it sure beats waiting in line in some Black Friday scam. Voila. Instant Xmas present. Though, if I were you, I’d keep it for myself.

ALI ON THE AIR on Antiquiet – Roxy Owner Nic Adler On Ticketmaster / Live Nation

My Antiquiet interview (in the bathroom) with Nic Adler of the Roxy. We chat about Ticketmaster, twittering and social media in the rock club world.Part Two!

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