Not Letting My Boyfriend Get In The Way Of Having The Perfect Valentines Day Date

I spoke with Psychic to the Stars, Psychic Girl, aka Jusstine Kenzer about who would make the perfect date for me on Valentines Day. 

ALI: I don’t have a date for Valentines Day. I have a boyfriend. Yet, I’m still dateless on Valentines Day.

JUSSTINE: You have a boyfriend.

A: Yeah. He is out of town, so I’m dateless. But I’m not going to let that get in my way. I want you to help me find the perfect Valentines Day date. You said you might be able to help me out and predict who could be a good match for me out of the men that I find…dreamy. That’s the technical term, right? Dreamy? So I chose men I think would be delighted to go out with me. But also men that I would say yes to. Maybe we can see who you get a hit on? That’s the lingo, right?

J: Yes, let’s see who I get a hit on for you.

A: Well, there’s Jude Law, whom I just adore, no matter what horrible things he does in his personal life. I think he is handsome and talented. There’s Jon Stewart. He’s a genius. There’s Daniel Craig. He’s Bond! C’mon.

J: He’s a little taken.

A: So is Jon Stewart. I am too, supposedly. Doesn’t mean I can’t go out for a nice Valentine’s dinner, right?

J: …Okay.

A: Okay? Let’s see. Hmm. Oh, Ryan Gosling. I think he’s also taken. Doesn’t mean he can’t take me out for Valentine’s Day. Oh and then there’s my first love. Han Solo.

J: Right. How about a real person?

A: He’s real. He has his own action figure. He saved the galaxy…

J: Okaaay. I’ve looked at lots of people who are delusional about things.

A: Are you talking about me? Or Han Solo? He awakened my sexuality at the age of six.

J: Let’s just say Harrison Ford.

A: You can call it Harrison Ford, but I’ll be thinking Han Solo.

J: Why don’t you start to ask me specific questions?

A: Let’s start with Jude Law. If I were with him, would he sleep with the nanny?

J: No.

A: Really. He’d be faithful to me?

J: I didn’t say that. I said he wouldn’t sleep with the nanny.

A: Damn. That’s cold. Ok, rephrasing. Would he be faithful?

J: I get yes.

A: Wow. So I could cure him of all his infidelities? Amazing. Would his hair grow back?

J: No.

A: Is he worth all the trouble he causes?

J: I get no.

A: So I would tire of him?

J: He’d get bored if things would be balanced.

A: Is he a drama queen?

J: Not a drama queen but he has issues with his mother.

A: Uuuuuugh. No. I can’t, nope. Next. I can’t. I CANNOT. No. No. No. Let’s talk about Jon Stewart. Is he funny off camera too? Or is he a crying on the inside clown?

J: He is funny off camera.

A: I figured. Is he married to his work?

J: No.

A: No? He can leave it at the office?

J: Looks like he is balanced. He used to not always be that way but it’s reached a point where he has found that balance.

A: So, he’s not married to his work but is he married to his wife?

J: Yes. He’s faithful and a good guy.

A: Aww, that’s why I love him. He’s a really good guy. But he’d still take me out for a dinner Valentines Day night. Right?

J: No.

A: No? Now I love him even more.

J: No, but he’d be very flattered and he would buy you a rose.

A: I am so in love right now. (whispering) Jon Stewart, I love you! I can tell he loves me too. Sigh. We will just have to work together someday.

J: I get yes on that.

A: Really? Oh my god. Now I’m in love with YOU too.

J: It will all work out.

A: OK, who is next? Oh yes, James Bond! Daniel Craig. Does he get really fat in between the Bond movies?

J: I get no. He is muscley. His constitution is pretty solid.

A: Is he emotionally muscley?

J: I get no.

A: So he is a softy? Does he cry a lot?

J: I get that he is romantic.

A: Does he make his date go dutch or does he pay?

J: No he always pays.

A: Good to know.

J: It seems like he is a good guy.

A: They can’t all be good guys.

J: The ones you are asking about are.

A: Wow. If I have such good radar then how did I end up dating all the asshole losers I’ve dated? Before my boyfriend, I mean. Honey, if you’re reading this, I love you. Just because I’m plotting a date with a big movie star doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Maybe I should have been dating big stars?

J: You’re asking about fantasy men who are your perfect type. In reality you don’t pick that type.

A: Pfft. “Fantasy”. Anyways. Ryan Gosling. Is he damaged from all those years in the Mickey Mouse Club with Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears?

J: No. It seems like a lifetime ago for him.

A: Is he hard to live with. I mean its just dinner, but just in case.

J: No, he’s a nice guy.

A: Again? Why am I picking all the famous nice guys?

J: Sometimes when we can’t have what we want, we pick things that fill the void that perpetuate that myth.

A: So I told my subconscious that since I can’t date James Bond I might as well date a second rate asshole musician?

J: Uhhh, maybe. Some people make that mistake. Or you can listen to my Heal Your Relationship download and change your subconscious beliefs and heal yourself. Find something fulfilling.

A: Define fulfilling. Oh, you mean like Daniel Craig. OK. Moving on. Han Solo.

J: OK. How am I going to do this? I guess we can look at him as that character. How should we approach this?

A: I dunno. You’re the psychic. Will Han let saving the galaxy get in the way of our relationship?

J: No.

A: Will he let his relationship with Chewbacca get in the way of our relationship?

J: For that I get yes.

A: FUCK! He’d let a Wookie get in the way. Believe me. I understand the love of a cat or a dog or a best friend. And I love Wookies. But how are you supposed to settle down with somebody if there’s a Wookie in your way?

J: For him, that relationship comes first.

A: Damn. I mean where is he even going to take me for Valentine’s Day? The motherfucking Cantina? With those freaks? Don’t I deserve somewhere special? Or clean at least? I’ve been to some dirty ass places before. Backstage of any place on the Sunset Strip is about as dirty as the Cantina. But it’s Valentine’s Day! I want somewhere I can wear an open toed shoe.

J: Maybe this is a relationship that could happen on EBay? I seeing a lot of merchandisers and collectors connected to the name Han Solo who hang out there.

A: I don’t see this one going anywhere. It’s not as promising as some of the other famous men. It’s so hard to find a nice guy in this day and millennium.

You can find out more about Jusstine at www.psychicgirl.com

Stupid Cupid – A Workplace Valentines Survey

Ladies! The biggest day of the year is coming up. Don’t let another year of a flower-free desk or chocolate-less, barren, empty life make you miserable. If you don’t get a ring, a date, a kiss or even a hello come this 14th, you could be one step away from suicide. Or worse, a Marie Callender’s cheesecake!
It’s imperative that you line up something special NOW so you don’t look lonely to your friends, family and co-workers. You don’t want people feeling sorry for you. Especially your therapist. Especially after he turned you down.
Look on the bright side: there’s men at work. No, not the band Men At Work, but actual men at your place of work whom you’ve probably overlooked, pined for, ignored, or had awkward one night stands with. These are men who you can rekindle that passion with for one special Valentines night…and maybe a lifetime of uncomfortableness. But probably just for one night.
Are you unsure of whom your special someone in accounting might be? Looking for that knight in shining copy toner? Here’s a survey that just might help you out! Pass this out at work to anyone who is a possible valentine, dating, or life partner candidate (you can even tell them which category they fit in as you hand them this survey.) Have them fill out the form and hand it back to you.
Voila! You are on your way to attracting the cubicle-mate of your dreams and being fulfilled as a woman! Happy hunting! And Happy Valentines Day, Miss Cupid!

WORKPLACE DATING SURVEY

I hereby decree that I ____________________ have been a suitor, beau, lover, cubicle mate or all around good guy to ________________. I also hereby swear that I have not impregnated her (cross this out if necessary) or any other woman during the time of our relationship/tryst/working relationship. I also note that I am of sound mind and body or as good as it’s going to get anyway, and I am fully capable of answering this questionnaire.

Signed,

_____________________________

PLEASE CHECK ONE:

1)    I care for ___________ so much as a friend that it pains me to think that us having sex may ruin our close bond. I need time to figure out what to do.

2)    I used to think of __________ as just another gal, but she’s kind of growing on me.

3)    I am not interested in _________ as a friend or a fuck. I don’t know where she got that idea and I wish she’d leave me alone before I get a restraining order.

4)    I think  _________ is cool. Yeah, man. She’s definitely great for a lay or a laugh. But I don’t  think it will go past that because I am too self absorbed and slick for my own good.

5)    My girlfriend is pressuring me to get engaged but I don’t want to give up having sex with   _________ on the side. I’m going to keep doing both and see how this plays out.

6)    I really do like __________. I think I’m falling for her. But my
a) emotional immaturity
b) job/career
c) ego
d) buddies
keeps me from taking the next step.

7)    I have had a crush on _________ for sometime but her fast lane lifestyle scares me a bit. She could have any guy she wants. Why would she want to fuck me? Not that I want to fuck her. I mean, I do. But it’s more than that. I want to love her too. Behind all that mascara and sack-lunch meth, I bet she breaks just like a little girl. I want to spoon her in my Papasan and tell her it’s going to be all right.

8)    Supply room closet. But never in public.

9)    Honey, for the thousandth time. I’m GAY!

10)    Who?

Two Sonic Love Letters: Findlay Brown & Sade

Forget candy hearts and wilted flowers. The way to really get to the heart of another is through the power of music.

If you really want to get laid, or hell even hitched this Hallmark holiday, there are two albums on the scene which will not only help you accomplish this task, but might even help you fall in love…with music all over again.

Findlay Brown, a young Yorkshire crooner calls himself a musical obsessive. After being struck by a car and laid up with a broken leg, Brown studied music so intently, downloading track after track of Phil Spector and Carole King Brill Building era songs and studying his favorite genre, became steeped in 60s sound before he wrote a single note on his new album, Love Will Find You.

Produced by Bernard Butler (Suede), Love Will Find You has the haunting, lilting vocals of a bygone Orbison tune and the songwriting craftsmanship of Lennon/McCartney or The Righteous Brothers. Brown claims that he was ‘unashamed’ to be sentimental when creating the album. In his favorite era, the 60′s, there was a romanticism that was present. People connected with the music and with each other.

True, in this digital age, with people often standing behind a laptop onstage, there is a greater disconnect between performer and audience member. Robot music is sometimes entertaining but no one would ever call it heartwarming or…sexy. Findlay Brown’s live show was both those things. The set was dynamic and well crafted, and it made me wistful for a time when we all looked each other in the eye and held meaningful conversations instead of texting each other.

If you want to make your sweetheart swoon, pick up a copy of Findlay Brown’s Love Will Find You.

No one is a stranger to the slow jam power of sexy Sade…But now she is back and she is NOT playing around. She recently dropped her new album, Soldier of Love, which in turn dropped jaws owned by the most jaded hipsters and seasoned music vets I know.

There’s something about Sade that makes the ‘too cool for school’ just want to get up and get down. Hell, she can make a song about GETTING LAID OFF sound sexy. When was the last time talking about being out of work for two years made you want to get up and dance and get sexed?

Well, this might change your mind:

With so many useless wars and fighting going on, thank god we have the queen Smooth Operator Sade, as our soldier of love.

Here’s the Soldier Of Love video: