Why I Don’t Give A Crap About Jersey Shore

Since the mid nineties, reality television has become the new wave of entertainment.

It has reshaped the way we think of television – they even had to create a new Emmy category for it, because you know we can’t over look the real contribution a show like Amazing Race has made to our society.

There is some reality TV that is redeemable…but other than a few shows here or there…The Dog Whisperer, the Loud’s on An American Family…I find most of reality television repulsive.

Aside from the more obvious reasons, one is that I work in television, and I’ve seen a lot of my friends, very talented writers and actors, lose work because their shows have been replaced by mindless crap.

Now, not all TV shows that were on the air prior to the reality boom were prize winners. I’ll admit there was some real trash and real boring banal crap. But it seems that the networks today are in a race to create the worst show ever. It’s the ‘Springtime for Hitler’ contest come to life.

VH1 is a prime example. Once upon a time, VH1 was a network that I worked for. They aired music programming, an occasional comedy variety show or game show, and the hit documentary series Behind the Music. Now VH1 is in a contest with itself to give America a cold sore.

If I have to read about another rock bus show laden with desperate skunk haired Jerry Springer rejects, vying for five seconds of herpes fame… It’s vomity and dangerous. Let’s not forget how VH1‘ s vetting process, or lack thereof, turned deadly last year when a Megan Wants A Millionaire dating contestant murdered a woman (who turned out to be his previous wife) and threw her in a dumpster. Oops.

Yeah, I’m a bit of a snob. I came up through the ranks with some amazingly talented improv actors and comedians who would challenge me daily to be a better writer, performer, filmmaker…a better person. Even if our material was sometimes raunchy, our work ethic skewed more Wes Anderson than WWF.

So each time I see a girl from the Hills on the red carpet, I feel bad for an actress I know who is still struggling. Every time I see a commercial for Wife Swap, I think of my award winning writer friend who still temps.  When I see Snooki doing panel on a talk show, it’s like a paper cut to SAG, WGA and oh, every other creative union I can think of.

So, every time someone says to me,

“Don’t you just love Jersey Shore?”

I say:

“Fuck you, no I don’t. ”

And I immediately get an argument…like I stepped all over Schindlers List or some great work of art.

Come On People.

What has become of you? Have you been eating Craisins so long that you can’t differentiate between a TV show and a turd?

Here are the 5 most given arguments:

“But, it’s fun!”

No, it’s not. I wouldn’t ever go to the Jersey Shore. Not even to be ironic. And you probably wouldn’t either. And don’t front like this is some wonderful Nat Geo glimpse into a world you knew nothing about. You never WANTED to know about this world. On purpose. It’s Jersey.

“But they’re sooooo dumb/lame/ridiculous!”

Yeah. A lot of people I come across are dumb. I try to move away from those people as quickly as possible, not spend a half hour of my time with them. I want to spend time around people who are inspiring – who are smarter than me…not people who make me question procreation.

They’re not even an entertaining stupid, like Laurel and Hardy or Three Stooges stupid. To me it’s just your average run of the mill, plebeian, local yokel stupid. Why do I want to give that my attention? Why do we, as a society, want to reward that? I don’t go to monster truck rallies. Why do I want to J Wow?

“Well, Ali, it’s popular anyways, you might as well give into it.”

Um, yeah. Like swine flu? That’s a really great idea for enjoying something. Everyone else has hopped on the stupid train, so I should too. That will make me run even farther away from it. To me that argument has just made Jersey Shore the teabagging of television.

“You need to lighten up.”

Totally true. In fact it’s my New Year’s resolution. But I’m sure as fuck not going to do it watching a bunch of sorry assed wasted people that have nothing to add to my life.

They don’t make me laugh. They don’t make me think. They don’t really do anything except…what? Advertise Ed Hardy, laziness, and date rape? If I want to lighten up, I will choose something like Craig Ferguson whom I’ve discovered recently, I really like. Or 30 Rock, which makes me laugh consistently…or The Green Room, a new show on Showtime, which I think is going to turn the talk show genre on it’s ear.

“There’s nothing else on television.”

This, sadly, might be true. I’m not even sure what Jersey Shore goes up against in it’s given time slot. But I am aware that there are upwards of 700 digital channels and there is a strong possibility that there is nothing of note on. I can give some other suggestions aside the ones above: older episodes of Extras and The Tudors are great. House is a good show. The Daily Show and The Colbert Report are both some of the best television being made right now. 24 is like a new action movie every week, if you like that type of thing…not your cup of tea? Try this…turn off the TV. Go see some live music. Go to your local theater and see a stand up or some improv or a play. Can’t afford it? Talk to your family. Don’t have a family? Try reading a book.

You see if you keep watching crap, they will keep making it. And writing Us Weekly articles about it. And feeding you super size portions of it. And then Perez Hilton gets richer and music gets worse and The Rock makes a sequel to The Tooth Fairy and our legit theaters close and then they stop teaching art in schools because, really, what’s the point?

So, no, I don’t give a crap about the Jersey Shore. And neither should you.

2010 – The Year in Review…In Advance

It started in September.

I got email after email from publications asking me for my ‘best of the year’ picks and ‘best of the decade’ choices. And then there was an onslaught online, on TV, on the radio, and in print…what’s left of print, that is.

‘Best of the…’ ‘Top Ten’, ‘Top Twenty’, ‘Top Fifty’… the ‘Top of the year’, the ‘Top of the Decade’…ad nauseum.

The year wasn’t even over and we were already rating the songs and films that have been created, comparing apples to oranges. Then it got weirder. Best tweets. Best viral videos. Best broken marriages. Best reality show melt downs. Best political failures. Best new babies born. Best real housewives you’ve never heard of.

If it happened on a grand scale, we can slap a number on it like a pig at the county fair and smugly call ourselves an expert…because that’s what a lot of us journalists, comedians, writers and bloggers are paid to do, right?

But then, suddenly, there were best of lists written by EVERYONE.  I’m glad to know that people all over are enjoying Miike Snow or Radiohead, but when butchers and bakers and candle stick makers are publishing their Best of 2009 lists, it kind of dilutes the magical lists of whatever the fuck Pitchfork or Spin puts out there. If Paste Magazine posts their fifth favorite movie is Amelie and then 20,000 other people tweet the same thing within five minutes, then does precious Paste even make a dent? No wonder magazines are dying.

And then there’s the question that I’ve been aching to ask. Who cares? Your close friends might. If you are a top critic, a few fellow editors might. If you mention something obscure you might earn some “oh yeah, I totally forgot that one!’ points.  If you can write something interesting about your favorites, then you are a gifted writer or comedian and your talents really should be used elsewhere…like on television. Seriously, TV really needs some better writers.

So what’s with all the list making? Must we constantly analyze our past pop culture? Can’t we just box it up and send it into space for other species or our descendants to discover? Can’t we move forward and create the new? The next?

Everyone is entitled to blog, tweet and have an opinion and social media has given everyone a voice. That is the wave of the future. So perhaps it means the death rattle of the ever present Best or Top lists. I mean, hasn’t VH1 beat the living  ‘I Love The’ hell out of it? I was actually assigned a best of list…and then eventually declined to do it. I removed myself from the rabble and decided to once again, look towards the future.

Strangely enough, a few days later, I was contacted out of the blue by Barb Powell, psychic to the stars. Barb doesn’t know me at all, but found my blog and asked if perhaps there wasn’t something we could work on together…like she he had read my mind or something.

Barb Powell is a psychic from Western Canada, who started with a small local client base but is now popular in Los Angeles, and has worked with the cast of shows such as The Ghost Whisperer, Haunting in Connecticut, Brothers and Sisters and The Mentalist…can she predict that Simon Baker and I are meant for each other?

Barb works in a very specific way – she doesn’t need a client to ask a lot of questions, because she gives answers to questions you haven’t even asked. Barb offered to do a mini reading on me and without knowing a thing about me personally, nailed a specific health issue I had been dealing with. Color me impressed.

Before I could ask her questions about the future of music, movies and media,  she already knew what I was looking for. And then some.

Here’s a little bit of what you can expect for 2010:

Good news for people who like their music free…The big labels will continue to get it wrong and eventually cause a big crash!

I think they will get it wrong by pouring money into stopping piracy and legal matters instead of focusing where they should perhaps use subscription type of music channels, etc in order to download.  I think in the next year to two years we will see a crash and they will then HAVE to re-organize.  However I believe that someone will come in and build up independent artists who are good of course but where there is a new way of doing things by subscribing to a site and downloading whatever, whenever they want.  This would be outside the actual music industry or RIAA and how they do things.  In another word..music will be free.

Who will this Indie Robin Hood be? That is unclear. But so far the job is available, so Silverlakers and Williamsburgers apply within!

As far as the Indie film world, Barb sees strides for filmmakers who’s pockets aren’t lined with Avatar type dollars.

We will see an increase with independent films, for sure, what with some of the most popular and cheaper films that have become a success.

Good news for the new legion of Wes Anderson types out there who want to launch their own Bottle Rocket. But they will still have to battle Big Hollywood. However with 2010 studio offerings like Hot Tub Time Machine, it might not be hard for up and comers to win at the box office and beat the majors.

Sigh. Hot Tub Time Machine. Really John Cusack? Next time you’re thinking of doing a movie like this, let me know. I’ll come stand outside your window with a boom box playing a list of reasons of why you will soon be Rob Schneider if you don’t stop this nonsense.

On the topic of music mediocrity, Barb reports:

We will see some upset for the Nickelback lead singer…the band does well but we will see a fall out later part of 2010 due to addictions….but will bounce back in 2011 for an awesome comeback record.

I will wait with baited breath for more from them…people are ready to listen to more pop songs sung by the weird art school girl, whose gender was the biggest mystery of 2009. And her hate spewing internet Svengali will get a reality show – perhaps his crowning glory?

Lots of great things for Lady Gaga career in 2010 including a TV special. Perez Hilton (famed blogger) will have his own reality show although health will become an issue.

Poor Perez. I’m sure many will come to his bedside to wish him well. After GLAAD came down hard on Perez (himself gay) in ’09 for his anti-gay slurs and his trash talk, perhaps he’ll change his ways?

I’m not holding my breath. I wonder what Perez will draw on Miley’s face when it’s reported she is with child?

More news for the Miley Cyrus fans and watchers.  There will be pregnancy rumors once again and they will turn out to be true in 2010.

Another blight on the small screen will be more Sarah Palin. Not sure this is a prediction as much as most of America unable to stop her PR steamroller, but nonetheless it’s apparently about to happen, times eleventy. Just a warning in case you want to cancel your cable subscription in advance.

We will see more of Sarah Palin on TV in late 2010 early 2011…talk show.

Sarah Palin talk show. I just threw up in my mouth. What will her show’s ‘book club’ feature, aside from her own book? Pop ups?

Barb has predicted a lot of celebrity deaths, both expected and scarily unexpected. I’ve chosen not to list them all, but one, I thought I could safely mention without any tears being shed…

This isn’t a Hollywood prediction but interesting just the same…Charles Manson will die.

Maybe this will clear the way for Roman Polanski to return to the US? And perhaps maybe many of the grizzly man indie guitarists of LA will stop emulating his long bearded look and his quest for a harem? It didn’t work out well for Charlie, guys…

Two major highlights Barb has predicted for 2010 in the media, one uplifting, one disconcerting.

Major media involving China/Japan but more so China in regards to war.

War with China is scary…and 24 hour news coverage by cable news outlets is outright terrifying. Hopefully both diplomacy and real journalism will prevail.

Singers/Actors unite for the environment to promote saving the ocean and rain forest.

If we ever needed a new Geldof (Bob, not Peaches.) to step up and create a new World Aid, the time is now.

French/American company The Hours recently started the Tck Tck Tck campagin to save the environment and there are many others.

Now is the time to unite in this cause. I, for one, would be proud to be a part of this.

Barb has made many other predictions about celebrity career triumphs and failures and marriages and divorces. Seems like it’s going to be a chock filled year. She’s even said I’m going to go against type and get cast in a serious acting role:

There will be an ongoing role in a series that reminds me of CSI or Law & Order type of show where it seems you play a detective or bad ass type of woman who gets the bad bad people.

I’m so looking forward to kicking some bad, bad ass!

So what’s your biggest prediction for 2010?

Follow both Barb and me on Twitter at @aliontheair and @mediumBarbP  and tweet us your top 2010 prediction with the hashtags #aliontheair #barbpowell.

My favorite answer will win a free reading with Barb!

Until then, have a great and list free New Year!